Saturday Morning

Saturday morning, my three-year-old daughter comes into our bedroom around sevenish all proud and wakes up my husband by saying:


"I made you breakfast."


So, my wonderful husband gets up and finds four bowls of cereal at the table for each of us.

I can't believe how sweet she is.

New mailbox

The other day we got a new mailbox. When I picked my children up from camp and pulled into our driveway my five-year-old son gasped:

Mommy, we got a new mailbox! It is so beautiful! Can I touch it?

So, when we got out of the car, he ran over to it and exclaimed:

Mommy, I love it! It's soooo beautiful. I love the way it opens and closes and the brown and gold! Mommy, it is sooooooo beautiful. I think I'm going to cry happy tears!

Aaah. If life were only that simple.

Extreme Emotions

I happen to be very emotional right now. Since I hit 40 I my cycles have been getting progressively more emotional. So I took my Dr.'s advice and went on medication to control the severity of the roller coaster ride down Emotional Mountain. Well. At first it worked and then things got seriously wrong. I actually had suicidal urges to crash my car into walls. This is a problem. Especially since my children are usually in the back. Needless to say, UNACCEPTABLE

I discontinued the medication but it has taken several months for it to leave my body and so I have had to deal with some disturbing side effects (skin crawling, panic attacks, etc.). It has been a fight and I am actually relieved that the extreme emotions are back. I am terrified to try anything else because if my mind and will were not as strong I might not be here. So, my bloggy da blogness....please accept the one week a month of ridiculous rantings of extreme emotions.

When I say extreme emotions I mean that I feel amazing love for my family in every molecule of my being. So, it is not all bad. I look at my dog and I appreciate every wonderful thing about him. His beautiful fur and his delightful smell. His softness ans sweetness so amazing it makes sugar seem bitter. Ooh I love him!

My husband is so ridiculously wonderful. He has far exceeded any expectations of a partner I have ever had. My children are bundles of sweet innocence that it drives me into school girl giddiness.

Don't get me wrong. I always feel like this about my amazing family. It's just that the feelings take me over one week a month.

The flip-side is that the childish episodes drive me away. Thankfully, coming from such a terrible background keeps my reactions in check. I definitely have control of my behavior. I just need to step away to decompress. I just wish I didn't feel so much.

It also makes me needy. I do not like to be needy. I have spent most of my life being needy. I like being my own person and feeling comfortable in my own skin. It has taken me a long time to get here and I finally like me.

Until next week I will just have to deal with the good being AWESOME!!!!! And the bad being TRAUMATIC.

I just can't write any more. I am too emotional.

What is happening to men?

Please, will someone tell me what is happening to men? I don't know whether it is just here in South Florida or whether this ridiculous trend is becoming an epidemic.

I am referring to men that have decided to remove the hair from their bodies. I understand the "swimmer thing". Swimmers get a pass. But what the heck is the reason for shaving or waxing or whatever your hair removal method of choice may be?

Newsflash: Men are supposed to be hairy. It is part of what makes a man a man. It's sexy. It's desirable and it's just right.

A few weeks ago I was in line to get bagels and I happened to look around at the
rest of the line, predominantly men in shorts and all of them. Yes, all of them had zero hair on their legs. Additionally, they had no hair on their arms. EW! Are you kidding me? Since this traumatic experience I have been hyper aware to men and the amount of hair on their bodies. I am disgusted.

It used to be that it bothered me when men wore jewelry. To me only a watch and wedding band are acceptable. Jewelry is for women. But I know some women like the jewelry on men. But now, this. This hairless thing. I am so happy to be married because it would be hard for me to find a real man here. I mean what must they be thinking? Isn't it...well...girly?

Don't get me wrong. I do not like the typical macho guy. In fact, I prefer a more refined man. However, shaving, plucking and waxing is crossing a line. I love the feel of hair on a man's arms and chest. It's just....manly. It is right. Legs, a man's legs with hair is so sexy. In fact, let me tell you a little story....

When I was in college I had this one class and on the way to class I would always hit this red light at a crosswalk and three days a week this guy would always be waiting to cross the street. I drove a little sports car and my field of vision would always encompass this guys beautiful sexy hairy legs. His legs were amazing. So much so that I had to meet him. I could go into detail of how that happened but then you would all know how crazy I am and that can only be revealed over time.

Anyway, I believe my point has been made. At least where legs are concerned.

Let's move on to arms. What are you men thinking? Ew. Ew. And Ew to the infinite power. Why? Why? Why? The hair on your arms is soft ands sensual. It's not in the way of anything. It's manly. I can't even come up with reasons because I can't imaging why you would even think of removing it. Ick. Also, your arm pit hair. What's up with that? Don't shave it! That is also sexy and helps to release the pheromones that turn us women on! What are you thinking?

Ya know what...I just can't. I just can't continue because I am starting to feel vomitous.

Equally amused and aggravated

My children and I went swimming this morning. Very fun. Also a lot of work with just me and a three year old and a five year old. I only have two eyes and two arms. Quite the challenge but lots of fun. Anyway, I was really enjoying watching my daughter dive for her Princess dive sticks. I kept calling her Ariel and she was full of giggles. Man, she is a little beauty. I just love watching her tiny little body glide through the water. Such an amazing sight.

My son is fun too. He has been terrified of the water since his first round of swimming lessons where they threw him in the pool at the end. This method works for about 90% of kids with no problem. Unfortunately my son is in the 10% that it traumatizes. Had I known this then.....well...can't go back.

He now swim with confidence and is diving for his superhero sticks. The little torpedos are cool too. I am so relieved because I absolutely love the water.

So, the three of us were swimming, laughing and just enjoying the day. I needed to dry off so that I could make lunch so I stepped out of the pool. Now just enjoying the children playing on the steps. Their choice not to venture far out. Fine with me either way. Well, they were playing and we heard thunder so I said:

Let's get the dive sticks and get out of the pool.

5 year old boy: I don't want to get hurt by the lightning.

Me: There might not even be any lightning. You have time to get the sticks out.

5 year old boy: (starting to cry) I just don't want to get hurt.

Me: Do you think that Mommy would put you in danger?

5 year old boy: No, Mommy. I just don't want to get hurt.

How can I argue with this logic? Very smart boy.

So, I put my equally amused and aggavated self back in the pool to collect the many divesticks and then gathered my wet smart loved ones into our home...the three of us dripping all over the floor.....


If you want to know where I am...I am cleaning my floor.

Not the jealous type

My husband is not the jealous type which is fine with me because I am super friendly and have some very close friends who happen to be men. Great.

Except for there have been two instances where my darling has been very jealous.

The first time was when we were first starting to see each other. I was actually still in love with my ex-husband. Yes, this is marriage number two. No big deal though because I did not want to spend my life with that one. We were just friends. Good friends and my current husband (let's call him Sweetie----because he is and I do--call him Sweetie that is) Anyway...Sweetie was not at all jealous of the Ex, even though I was with the man for nine years and was still in love with him. Sweetie...not an ounce of jealousy. He was not the problem.

Actually, there was not a real problem. Just a fabricated one. There was this guy that we worked with that was dead set on breaking us apart. I have no idea why. He just wanted us not together so he would tell Sweetie non-truths about me. This blew up at a Halloween party and I have never seen jealousy come out like it did. Thankfully, I am a very strong communicator and straightened the whole mess out. Sweetie, by some miracle chose to believe me over the nimrod co-worker and left the past in the past. That was about nine years ago and I haven't seen a microbe of jealousy until now.....

Here's the deal. There is this guy; a friend from high school (like 26 years ago). Yes, we were boyfriend/girlfriend for a month or two but we were friends for much longer. Now I haven't had contact with him until last year and we have been emailing. Short emails. Funny. No big deal. Except for the fact that my husband is jealous. Why?

Well, it's funny you should ask....at the beginning of our resuming contact this guy made a few inappropriate remarks. It is really just a function of his personality. I expressed to him that I was not interested in going that direction and thus far he has respected that. So in my head there is no problem. Well, not exactly. The problem is that it bothers my husband. Normally when something bothers him I try to make changes so it wouldn't. Sweetie would never ask me to stop communicating with this guy. Let's call him "Marvin", but Sweetie also does not let me talk about it to him which bothers me. Sweetie thinks it is disrespectful for me to talk about it with him and I feel it is disrespectful for me not to. So this has become a problem.

If Sweetie were the jealous type I would not be with him in the first place because I cannot go there. I am a very trustworthy person and I would not ever be unfaithful to my husband. If I were unhappy with our relationship I would leave it. (after trying to work out our problems, of course. I wasted a lot of time in my first marriage staying too long. I have no intention of making the same mistake twice.

I do not want to discontinue emailing and/or speaking with Marvin. I enjoy it. I am not doing anything wrong and Sweetie knows it. For me, it is about trust. Sweetie says he trusts me and I really do believe him. I understand why he is upset. I do not, however, understand how talking about Marvin with him is disrespectful. He said that he is fine with me talking to him and corresponding with him. He just doesn't want to hear about it. I do not like having to filter conversations with Sweetie because he is my best friend and I love being able to tell him everything.

I know what you're thinking. You are thinking if its not such a big deal then stop talking to Marvin. I get that. But, I feel a connection with Marvin. Always have. Some people are supposed to be in your life and I feel that he is one of them. Throughout the years I have thought of him often and I enjoy being in contact with him. In fact, I do not think I would even be with Sweetie if I had not met Marvin first.

Let me elaborate. Marvin and Sweetie both possess a rare combination of qualities. Responsibility and Silliness. Usually, these two do not go hand-in-hand. At least not to the extent that both of them have these. Either you are super silly or you are super responsible. Not both. Let me also mention that there is the "weird" element too. I happen to like the combination. A lot. So if I am lucky enough to meet two people that have it, why shouldn't I be able to have them both in my life?

This is not a threat to my marriage and if it ever were then obviously I would make the necessary changes. My husband and I are very secure in our marriage and genuinely enjoy each other's company. I could not imagine anyone else ever being able to put up with either one of us. It is really meant to be. We have so much fun together. How could I ever be this in sync with anyone else? It is on every level a perfect match. No, Sweetie is not perfect. But he is perfect for me. At least I thought so.

That is why this is a problem. I have lost so much in my life. Why do I have to give up an old/new friend. What is it that bothers Sweetie? I cannot believe that it is simply an inappropriate comment made at the beginning of a "relationship". Maybe it is that they are so much alike and that Sweetie feels threatened. If we were having marital problems I might buy into that. But again...not an issue.

This is really disturbing to me. I am sure that Sweetie doesn't spend nearly as much time on this as I do. I just want it all. I find it difficult to keep a part of my life away from him. That feels dishonest to me. Isn't that disrespectful? I am sure that Marvin barely gives me a thought. I am just some girl that gives him something to do when he is bored. His emails to me usually consist of a word or two. Sometimes a sentence or two. What is the big deal?

I know I am rambling but I just talked to Marvin on the phone last night and pretty soon we will be in close proximity. We are both taking family vacations "back home" and we will be there at the same time. This was not done on purpose. That's what I mean when I say some people are just supposed to be in your life. I want to have a drink with Marvin. It is fine with me if my husband wants to come. I have nothing to hide. But how am I supposed to talk to him about it if he wants to hear nothing about Marvin? How can I go without mentioning it? I can't. I wouldn't. I would have to tell him. I would want him to come with me. Maybe they would become friendly.

I really do want to see Marvin. I haven't seen him in twenty-something years. He is a friend that I really do care about. I don't call many people "friends". So this is pretty big.

The thing that is crazy about this is that I have an Ex-boyfriend that lives back home. Someone I actually lived with. Now, if I said, "Sweetie, I'm going to go have a drink with Matt." He would have no problem whatsoever with that. Same goes with my Ex-husband. Or with anyone else for that matter. I just don't get it. Why is he so jealous? I am not happy about this.

Maybe our relationship is not what I thought it was.

Let me think about that for awhile. Actually, a more accurate statement might be: Let me obsess about that for awhile.

Right again

I was tucking my son into bed the other night and when I got to his bedroom door he said:

Mommy, you make the best children.

Man, is he right!