Distorted Life View

Here we go again. Apparently the anti-depressants have worn off so I am not receiving any benefits from them. However, the side-effects from withdrawal are in full swing. Go figure.

In any event, I am extremely hormonal and my life-view is completely distorted. I can't stop crying and I am extremely anxious. I am so sick of this. I want my life back!

I have an amazing family. I have really great friends and yet here I am with all this hormonal ridiculousness in the driver's seat. I guess I better get used to the three or four days a month that I will have to deal with this.

Sorry for being so depressing. This will pass. Right?

Chewing Gum

I used to chew gum. Many many many years ago. I enjoyed it. I probably still would except for the fact that I have been noticing how people look when they chew gum. Let's face it. It is NOT attractive. At all. There is no way to chew gum and look good. Not that I am into looking good. I don't mind looking good and I certainly do not obsess over it, but it is horrible to watch people chew gum. It is disgusting.

My children's dentist always has gum in his mouth. There are lots of people who I speak with on a regular basis that consistently gnaw on a piece of gum. It's just not good people. There is no way to chew gum inconspicuously.

Here is my challenge for any gum chewers willing to take it on. If you can find a way to chew gum and not look....well....cow-like, not that there is anything wrong with cows, but I do not want to look like one, do you? Anyway, back to my challenge.....If you can find a way to chew gum without looking disgusting, please record your technique and share it with me. I would of course need you to send me a video.

I miss chewing gum.

I did not mean to abandon my blog.

I did not mean to abandon my blog, so I am very sorry. I do not even know how many loyal readers I had, if any. But even if there is just one, I am very sorry.

I have been trying to overcome some issues here. I was having three days a month where I could not physically stop crying. No, I did not feel depressed. Actually, quite the opposite. I was very happy. I have a very nice life. However, every month, about a week or so before my period (sorry guys if you can't handle, as I have said before...Click Off), I would just have uncontrollable tears pouring out. My therapist strongly and repeatedly suggested going on anti-depressants. I insisted that I was not depressed and she kept telling me I was. Okay, so I went to my medical Dr. who put me on Lexapro. This worked for a while and I actually felt pretty good. Then it stopped working and they added Wellnbutrin to the mix and then things went horribly wrong. Took out the Wellbutrin and I had about three months of terrible withdrawal that all the Dr.s said was not possible, although my aunt and my cousin had strangely similar experiences which I did not discover until later. Also, I had read similar accounts on askapatient.com.

Anyway, fast-forward several months and a couple of tries with drugs like Lamictal and Pexeva and now I feel like my life has been shattered. Now I AM depressed. But it is chemically induced depression. These drugs are evil. I want my three days of suffering bck! Three days a month as oppposed to evry single waking and sleeping moment! What do I do now? Now I am being weened off of all the drugs per my request but I am experiencing horrible side effects. Mostly dizziness, sweating, weakness, lack of focus, brain fog. I cannot stay on task or remain focused on anything. I am barely functionable. I just want this to end. I want my life back.

Just for the record, I am not suicidal. I could never abandon my children or my husband like that. But I do not have any will to live. I just don't care. Well, I do care, intellectually. It is just that I am emotionally drained.

I am sorry to blog about such a mess, but I am trying to reclaim my wonderful life back. I am so lost. I just keep telling myself that this will pass and I will get my three glorious days of misery back.

Random Rant

I have no idea why I am blogging right now. I have so much stuff going on both in my head and on my "to-do list" that I am just immobilized. So, I guess I just need to release some of the "noise" in my head.

I was so annoyed this morning. My children were cranky: my daughter was not happy with her wardrobe selections. My son whined and cried about everything and about nothing. My son decided to glue himself to my heels so that every time I moved I literally tripped over him. I asked him to give me a little bit of space but he said he wanted to be close to me. So....I dealt with it and tried my hardest not to step on him.

Somehow I managed to get them out the door on time, thanks to my husband's abundant assistance (Thank you Sweetie) only to be further annoyed by the massive amounts of Self-Important People (SIPs) on the road. Mind you I have about a half a mile drive to my son's school and I could not believe how many times I was cut-off in this miniscule distance I had to drive. Are you kidding me? What makes your time so much more important than mine? Common courtesy people! Everyone in the car line is trying to get their children to school on time. You are no better than anyone else. Even on the way out these people were not courteous drivers. There are three lanes that need to merge. It should work like a four-way stop sign, except there are only three lines. First line, second line, third line. It's so simple. Is it really going to save you more than three seconds to cut-off someone. You are going to be at the same red light in about a minute anyway! Relax and get a grip SIPs!

While I am ranting, I need to release some frustration about my nearly perfect husband. It really annoys me that in my moments of weakness he backs off. HELLO...this is when I need extra TLC. Over the weekend I had lots of stuff going on. I caught my son's cold, I was exhausted from a week of caring for my sick son, an extra couple days of "no school" and from over extending myself, my period is late, I am fighting off that monthly depression thing and I had severe dizzy spells. So instead of being kind, loving and nurturing he was cold and distant. Not good.

I understand that he is frustrated with work and having to pick up the slack at home because I was down for the count but I have needs too. He took my daughter to a birthday party and my sick son and I strayed home which means that I had another full day of work instead of a re-coup day. I was not expecting anything except for some TLC. We all need it. Not just the kids.

OK...I am just getting more and more stressed. I am going to go kiss my dog.

All That Stress For Nothing

I spent the weekend totally stressing out about wanting to switch my three-year-old daughter to another classroom. I stressed about whether the school would do it for me. I stressed about whether she would like the new class. I stressed about whether the old teachers would give me dirty looks. I stressed about, well, just about everything there was to stress about.

I played my approach over and over in my head. I imagined every conceivable response and my response to their response over and over and over again. I obsessed ridiculously over the entire situation. Get my point?

My husband kept telling me not to worry that the school knows me and that they would accommodate me. I knew deep down that he was right but I still obsessed. I even talked to my son's teacher from last year for three hours on Saturday night. My husband was not thrilled about that but he totally understood.

This is how it went this morning:

Me: Do you have a minute?

School: Just one. We have an inspection this morning.

Me: Can I move Love Girl (except I used her real name) to Room 3?

School: Go get her stuff, you can do it right now.

They then told me that they wanted to put her in that room anyway. The reason they didn't put her there was because I had requested the other room and there was a new teacher in Room 3. But now all will be right with the world. All that stress for nothing.

When I picked up the Love Girl today, she was very happy. Happier than I have ever seen her at school. Here's the lesson Moms (and Dads)....always always trust your instincts. Go with your gut!

Thank you Universe! I am very grateful for the day!

Flu Shots

My son came home from school very cranky and I had to tell him that our playdate with one of his friends from last year was canceled. Needless to say, he was not a happy camper. He was whining and crying and I just decided to call my pediatrician to see if we could knock the flu shots out of the way and then reschedule the playdate for next Wednesday when they were supposed to get their flu shots. I called and they gave me ten minutes to get there. Once I broke the news, this is how it went:

Five-year-old boy: Mommy, I don't want to get a shot! (crying of course)

Me: No one likes getting shots.

Three-year-old girl: I do.

Boy: Well, I don't. Please. I don't want a shot.

Girl: I do.

This dialogue continued until we got into the examining room. Once there, my daughter looks at the technician and says:

"Only girls first...Yay."

She then got up on the table and took her shot like a woman (no offense male readers, but dealing with pain is not one of your greatest strengths----don't worry we love you anyway).

Then it was the boys turn. The screaming and crying started and never stopped. I had to pick him up, whisper sweet nothings while holding him down. The shot took a fraction of a second and the screaming and crying continued for another ten minutes.

I will be having a glass of wine tonight, once my wonderful loving children are in bed.....about 7:15ish. Care to join me?

Our First Kiss

I have to start by how we met. I had just returned from a three week vacation in Italy and Greece. I had a beautiful Mediterranean glow to my skin. I was starting a new job at a very prestigious company the following day. I walked into the Boardroom that first day and he was at the right far end of the conference table. He was standing up leaning over to talk to another “new hire”. Our whole “starting class” was to meet in this room for an orientation and then we were all to go to Los Angeles for two weeks the following day.

I saw him, I smiled and then I took a seat towards the middle of the table. I thought “very attractive” of both men and dismissed it because this was business, not pleasure. I have always been a great admirer of men. They are beautiful. I am kind of like a guy in this respect. My friends and I refer to them with terms such as: scenery, eye candy and the like. But those times are reserved for another post...stay tuned.

Anyway, my head was all about career and business. The ink barely dry on my divorce papers (married for almost eight years) I was not interested in any kind of relationship anyway. Only focusing on my career I went through the orientation and headed home to finish packing for L.A.

The next day I met all my new co-workers at the airport and we convened at our gate where we were informed that our plane had been delayed. The 15 of us sat down and traded stories for the next three hours until we could board our plane. We all bonded and by the time we arrived in LA, the fifteen of us were fast friends.

The Company had this huge training about every six months or so for all new hires. There was to be about 2,000 new hires in our starting group from all over the United States. Since our group had all that bonding time we were slightly obnoxious when we arrived. At least for the professionals we were supposed to be. Everyone was talking about the “Miami” group. Personally, I was much more reserved than my usual “party-girl” self because I was in a professional setting and because my “fear” factor was on overdrive. I have an irrational fear of earthquakes, so every moment I spent in L.A. I was expecting the earth to swallow me up. Not a good feeling.

So, having arrived and survived we began the two weeks of training. The Company's motto should be “We work hard and we play hard.” Boy, did we. It was a nonstop two weeks. Quite exhausting.

During the day we were grouped with people from San Francisco in our training room. We learned about what our days would be like, we played games and we had many team building activities. Our Miami group of 15 was split up into three tables and we were spread out across the room. I ended up at a table between “him” (let's call him “S”) and his friend from the conference room. This was to be my seat for the next two weeks.

My mind tends to wander, as I am a visual learner (prefer to read rather than listen), so I would look at the other people in the room until I could refocus. I did this a lot. S thought I was staring. Well, I was staring at him because every time I looked at him he would make silly faces. I mean really silly faces. He was a total goof ball. So much so that I thought to myself “What kind of a woman ends up with a man like this”. No joke. I really and truly thought this. More than once. In fact, I thought this many times.

So as the days went on I got to know the people in my room through all the activities and games and problem solving. It is amazing to be in a room with so much brain power. Everyone there was intelligent and brought so many different skills to the table.
At night our group would go out on the town together for a whole lot of partying. Some nights our Company had events going on. There was always something to do. Either working or playing. We even did some charitable activities. It was an amazing experience. Our Miami group stuck together like glue. It was a virtual Love Fest. We were in love with each other. How perfect. Great exciting job with some awesome people.

On our free day, our group rented a van and planned an excursion going to Grauman's Chinese Theater, Rodeo Drive, Hollywood Hills. You know...all the touristy things to do in LA. We even took pictures by the famous “Hollywood” sign. We had a blast! On that free day, S decided not to go. I was disappointed when he didn't come down to the van. Very disappointed. But if I am being honest (and I always am) then at this point I had zero romantic interest in the man. Simply because my mindset was not there.

On our last night in LA the Company rented out an amazing three-story club. We had an open bar and bus transportation so everyone was able to party the right way. My mind was still on Earthquakes and I was stressed out about the final meeting in the morning. Each City was supposed to have a presentation. In addition to being fearful of Earthquakes I am also terrified of public speaking. Even though our presentation did not require me to speak alone, it was still on a stage in front of thousands of people. Um...no thank you. So I decided to take advantage of the open bar.

Within minutes I was very tipsy and I called a friend of mine to vent about my anxieties. He called me down, somewhat and when we were hanging up I saw S coming down the hallway. He noticed that I was visibly upset and asked me what was wrong. I told him and then we went to get a drink together. Being that S is a very funny guy he had me giggling in no time. He then asked me to dance. No big deal. Neither of us had any romantic inclinations.

We went onto the dance floor. The rest of our group very close by. We danced and then a slower song came on. We stayed and danced and yes I was drunk. We both were. The next part is a little fuzzy for me. S says that I kissed his neck. I don't think so but his memory is more reliable than mine so o.k. I must have kissed his neck. And then it happened. Our heads ever so slowly turned toward one another and our lips touched and the Earth absolutely moved only it wasn't an Earthquake. It was the most amazing kiss. In that moment all the inebriation from the alcohol vanished and I was totally swept away by the feel of this man kissing me. So much so that I pulled away and with a shocked look on my face I said “Oh my God!” He replied “I Know!” So we kissed again. And again I said: “Oh my God!” and he said “I Know!”

Then we looked around us and saw our group. The looks on their faces said it all. They were shocked. We were shocked. We decided to make a quick exit. But we kept kissing because, well, we had to. It was so different than any other kiss. It was something so deep, so connected, so electrical. I have never experienced anything like that.

We just passed the ninth anniversary of that first kiss. To this day, when my husband kisses me, or for that matter, touches me, I feel that connection.