Mommy Sanctuary

Distorted Life View

2009-03-04T15:18:00.001-05:00

Here we go again. Apparently the anti-depressants have worn off so I am not receiving any benefits from them. However, the side-effects from withdrawal are in full swing. Go figure.

In any event, I am extremely hormonal and my life-view is completely distorted. I can't stop crying and I am extremely anxious. I am so sick of this. I want my life back!

I have an amazing family. I have really great friends and yet here I am with all this hormonal ridiculousness in the driver's seat. I guess I better get used to the three or four days a month that I will have to deal with this.

Sorry for being so depressing. This will pass. Right?

Chewing Gum

2009-02-25T16:25:00.003-05:00

I used to chew gum. Many many many years ago. I enjoyed it. I probably still would except for the fact that I have been noticing how people look when they chew gum. Let's face it. It is NOT attractive. At all. There is no way to chew gum and look good. Not that I am into looking good. I don't mind looking good and I certainly do not obsess over it, but it is horrible to watch people chew gum. It is disgusting.

My children's dentist always has gum in his mouth. There are lots of people who I speak with on a regular basis that consistently gnaw on a piece of gum. It's just not good people. There is no way to chew gum inconspicuously.

Here is my challenge for any gum chewers willing to take it on. If you can find a way to chew gum and not look....well....cow-like, not that there is anything wrong with cows, but I do not want to look like one, do you? Anyway, back to my challenge.....If you can find a way to chew gum without looking disgusting, please record your technique and share it with me. I would of course need you to send me a video.

I miss chewing gum.

I did not mean to abandon my blog.

2009-02-15T14:25:00.005-05:00

I did not mean to abandon my blog, so I am very sorry. I do not even know how many loyal readers I had, if any. But even if there is just one, I am very sorry.

I have been trying to overcome some issues here. I was having three days a month where I could not physically stop crying. No, I did not feel depressed. Actually, quite the opposite. I was very happy. I have a very nice life. However, every month, about a week or so before my period (sorry guys if you can't handle, as I have said before...Click Off), I would just have uncontrollable tears pouring out. My therapist strongly and repeatedly suggested going on anti-depressants. I insisted that I was not depressed and she kept telling me I was. Okay, so I went to my medical Dr. who put me on Lexapro. This worked for a while and I actually felt pretty good. Then it stopped working and they added Wellnbutrin to the mix and then things went horribly wrong. Took out the Wellbutrin and I had about three months of terrible withdrawal that all the Dr.s said was not possible, although my aunt and my cousin had strangely similar experiences which I did not discover until later. Also, I had read similar accounts on askapatient.com.

Anyway, fast-forward several months and a couple of tries with drugs like Lamictal and Pexeva and now I feel like my life has been shattered. Now I AM depressed. But it is chemically induced depression. These drugs are evil. I want my three days of suffering bck! Three days a month as oppposed to evry single waking and sleeping moment! What do I do now? Now I am being weened off of all the drugs per my request but I am experiencing horrible side effects. Mostly dizziness, sweating, weakness, lack of focus, brain fog. I cannot stay on task or remain focused on anything. I am barely functionable. I just want this to end. I want my life back.

Just for the record, I am not suicidal. I could never abandon my children or my husband like that. But I do not have any will to live. I just don't care. Well, I do care, intellectually. It is just that I am emotionally drained.

I am sorry to blog about such a mess, but I am trying to reclaim my wonderful life back. I am so lost. I just keep telling myself that this will pass and I will get my three glorious days of misery back.

Random Rant

2008-10-13T10:18:00.004-04:00

I have no idea why I am blogging right now. I have so much stuff going on both in my head and on my "to-do list" that I am just immobilized. So, I guess I just need to release some of the "noise" in my head.

I was so annoyed this morning. My children were cranky: my daughter was not happy with her wardrobe selections. My son whined and cried about everything and about nothing. My son decided to glue himself to my heels so that every time I moved I literally tripped over him. I asked him to give me a little bit of space but he said he wanted to be close to me. So....I dealt with it and tried my hardest not to step on him.

Somehow I managed to get them out the door on time, thanks to my husband's abundant assistance (Thank you Sweetie) only to be further annoyed by the massive amounts of Self-Important People (SIPs) on the road. Mind you I have about a half a mile drive to my son's school and I could not believe how many times I was cut-off in this miniscule distance I had to drive. Are you kidding me? What makes your time so much more important than mine? Common courtesy people! Everyone in the car line is trying to get their children to school on time. You are no better than anyone else. Even on the way out these people were not courteous drivers. There are three lanes that need to merge. It should work like a four-way stop sign, except there are only three lines. First line, second line, third line. It's so simple. Is it really going to save you more than three seconds to cut-off someone. You are going to be at the same red light in about a minute anyway! Relax and get a grip SIPs!

While I am ranting, I need to release some frustration about my nearly perfect husband. It really annoys me that in my moments of weakness he backs off. HELLO...this is when I need extra TLC. Over the weekend I had lots of stuff going on. I caught my son's cold, I was exhausted from a week of caring for my sick son, an extra couple days of "no school" and from over extending myself, my period is late, I am fighting off that monthly depression thing and I had severe dizzy spells. So instead of being kind, loving and nurturing he was cold and distant. Not good.

I understand that he is frustrated with work and having to pick up the slack at home because I was down for the count but I have needs too. He took my daughter to a birthday party and my sick son and I strayed home which means that I had another full day of work instead of a re-coup day. I was not expecting anything except for some TLC. We all need it. Not just the kids.

OK...I am just getting more and more stressed. I am going to go kiss my dog.

All That Stress For Nothing

2008-10-06T15:07:00.004-04:00

I spent the weekend totally stressing out about wanting to switch my three-year-old daughter to another classroom. I stressed about whether the school would do it for me. I stressed about whether she would like the new class. I stressed about whether the old teachers would give me dirty looks. I stressed about, well, just about everything there was to stress about.

I played my approach over and over in my head. I imagined every conceivable response and my response to their response over and over and over again. I obsessed ridiculously over the entire situation. Get my point?

My husband kept telling me not to worry that the school knows me and that they would accommodate me. I knew deep down that he was right but I still obsessed. I even talked to my son's teacher from last year for three hours on Saturday night. My husband was not thrilled about that but he totally understood.

This is how it went this morning:

Me: Do you have a minute?

School: Just one. We have an inspection this morning.

Me: Can I move Love Girl (except I used her real name) to Room 3?

School: Go get her stuff, you can do it right now.

They then told me that they wanted to put her in that room anyway. The reason they didn't put her there was because I had requested the other room and there was a new teacher in Room 3. But now all will be right with the world. All that stress for nothing.

When I picked up the Love Girl today, she was very happy. Happier than I have ever seen her at school. Here's the lesson Moms (and Dads)....always always trust your instincts. Go with your gut!

Thank you Universe! I am very grateful for the day!

Flu Shots

2008-10-01T15:44:00.003-04:00

My son came home from school very cranky and I had to tell him that our playdate with one of his friends from last year was canceled. Needless to say, he was not a happy camper. He was whining and crying and I just decided to call my pediatrician to see if we could knock the flu shots out of the way and then reschedule the playdate for next Wednesday when they were supposed to get their flu shots. I called and they gave me ten minutes to get there. Once I broke the news, this is how it went:

Five-year-old boy: Mommy, I don't want to get a shot! (crying of course)

Me: No one likes getting shots.

Three-year-old girl: I do.

Boy: Well, I don't. Please. I don't want a shot.

Girl: I do.

This dialogue continued until we got into the examining room. Once there, my daughter looks at the technician and says:

"Only girls first...Yay."

She then got up on the table and took her shot like a woman (no offense male readers, but dealing with pain is not one of your greatest strengths----don't worry we love you anyway).

Then it was the boys turn. The screaming and crying started and never stopped. I had to pick him up, whisper sweet nothings while holding him down. The shot took a fraction of a second and the screaming and crying continued for another ten minutes.

I will be having a glass of wine tonight, once my wonderful loving children are in bed.....about 7:15ish. Care to join me?

Our First Kiss

2008-09-10T19:31:00.000-04:00

I have to start by how we met. I had just returned from a three week vacation in Italy and Greece. I had a beautiful Mediterranean glow to my skin. I was starting a new job at a very prestigious company the following day. I walked into the Boardroom that first day and he was at the right far end of the conference table. He was standing up leaning over to talk to another “new hire”. Our whole “starting class” was to meet in this room for an orientation and then we were all to go to Los Angeles for two weeks the following day.

I saw him, I smiled and then I took a seat towards the middle of the table. I thought “very attractive” of both men and dismissed it because this was business, not pleasure. I have always been a great admirer of men. They are beautiful. I am kind of like a guy in this respect. My friends and I refer to them with terms such as: scenery, eye candy and the like. But those times are reserved for another post...stay tuned.

Anyway, my head was all about career and business. The ink barely dry on my divorce papers (married for almost eight years) I was not interested in any kind of relationship anyway. Only focusing on my career I went through the orientation and headed home to finish packing for L.A.

The next day I met all my new co-workers at the airport and we convened at our gate where we were informed that our plane had been delayed. The 15 of us sat down and traded stories for the next three hours until we could board our plane. We all bonded and by the time we arrived in LA, the fifteen of us were fast friends.

The Company had this huge training about every six months or so for all new hires. There was to be about 2,000 new hires in our starting group from all over the United States. Since our group had all that bonding time we were slightly obnoxious when we arrived. At least for the professionals we were supposed to be. Everyone was talking about the “Miami” group. Personally, I was much more reserved than my usual “party-girl” self because I was in a professional setting and because my “fear” factor was on overdrive. I have an irrational fear of earthquakes, so every moment I spent in L.A. I was expecting the earth to swallow me up. Not a good feeling.

So, having arrived and survived we began the two weeks of training. The Company's motto should be “We work hard and we play hard.” Boy, did we. It was a nonstop two weeks. Quite exhausting.

During the day we were grouped with people from San Francisco in our training room. We learned about what our days would be like, we played games and we had many team building activities. Our Miami group of 15 was split up into three tables and we were spread out across the room. I ended up at a table between “him” (let's call him “S”) and his friend from the conference room. This was to be my seat for the next two weeks.

My mind tends to wander, as I am a visual learner (prefer to read rather than listen), so I would look at the other people in the room until I could refocus. I did this a lot. S thought I was staring. Well, I was staring at him because every time I looked at him he would make silly faces. I mean really silly faces. He was a total goof ball. So much so that I thought to myself “What kind of a woman ends up with a man like this”. No joke. I really and truly thought this. More than once. In fact, I thought this many times.

So as the days went on I got to know the people in my room through all the activities and games and problem solving. It is amazing to be in a room with so much brain power. Everyone there was intelligent and brought so many different skills to the table.
At night our group would go out on the town together for a whole lot of partying. Some nights our Company had events going on. There was always something to do. Either working or playing. We even did some charitable activities. It was an amazing experience. Our Miami group stuck together like glue. It was a virtual Love Fest. We were in love with each other. How perfect. Great exciting job with some awesome people.

On our free day, our group rented a van and planned an excursion going to Grauman's Chinese Theater, Rodeo Drive, Hollywood Hills. You know...all the touristy things to do in LA. We even took pictures by the famous “Hollywood” sign. We had a blast! On that free day, S decided not to go. I was disappointed when he didn't come down to the van. Very disappointed. But if I am being honest (and I always am) then at this point I had zero romantic interest in the man. Simply because my mindset was not there.

On our last night in LA the Company rented out an amazing three-story club. We had an open bar and bus transportation so everyone was able to party the right way. My mind was still on Earthquakes and I was stressed out about the final meeting in the morning. Each City was supposed to have a presentation. In addition to being fearful of Earthquakes I am also terrified of public speaking. Even though our presentation did not require me to speak alone, it was still on a stage in front of thousands of people. Um...no thank you. So I decided to take advantage of the open bar.

Within minutes I was very tipsy and I called a friend of mine to vent about my anxieties. He called me down, somewhat and when we were hanging up I saw S coming down the hallway. He noticed that I was visibly upset and asked me what was wrong. I told him and then we went to get a drink together. Being that S is a very funny guy he had me giggling in no time. He then asked me to dance. No big deal. Neither of us had any romantic inclinations.

We went onto the dance floor. The rest of our group very close by. We danced and then a slower song came on. We stayed and danced and yes I was drunk. We both were. The next part is a little fuzzy for me. S says that I kissed his neck. I don't think so but his memory is more reliable than mine so o.k. I must have kissed his neck. And then it happened. Our heads ever so slowly turned toward one another and our lips touched and the Earth absolutely moved only it wasn't an Earthquake. It was the most amazing kiss. In that moment all the inebriation from the alcohol vanished and I was totally swept away by the feel of this man kissing me. So much so that I pulled away and with a shocked look on my face I said “Oh my God!” He replied “I Know!” So we kissed again. And again I said: “Oh my God!” and he said “I Know!”

Then we looked around us and saw our group. The looks on their faces said it all. They were shocked. We were shocked. We decided to make a quick exit. But we kept kissing because, well, we had to. It was so different than any other kiss. It was something so deep, so connected, so electrical. I have never experienced anything like that.

We just passed the ninth anniversary of that first kiss. To this day, when my husband kisses me, or for that matter, touches me, I feel that connection.

Butt Like A Magnet

2008-09-05T20:33:00.005-04:00

By 5:30 a.m. yesterday morning my husband had already touched my tush about 20 times. I gave him a look and he said "It's like a magnet".

I grew up very self conscious of my butt. I have come to terms with the fact that I have a large booty. Not very appealing. Or so I thought.

I have never been one to ask that question "Do these jeans make my butt look fat?" I already know the answer. No need to ask. So I deal. No biggie, I mean yes biggie...(pun very intended).

My husband's love for my derriere has changed my perspective and let's face it...it's ALL about perspective. I used to watch my weight in order to shrink my butt. Now I worry that when I do lose weight that my tush will also shrink. Isn't that funny?

He must touch me hundreds of times a day. It's like a game. I sometimes try to deflect him just for fun. It's gotten to the point where I will sometimes spin around before leaving a room, or walk backwards, or my hand will automatically go into defense mode. It's actually kind of fun. And funny. Especially when he asks me "What are you doing?" with a little smirk on his face and a sexy gleam in his eyes. Acting like he wasn't going to touch it. He ALWAYS touches it.

Sometimes he'll make a sound when he touches it. He'll say "Ha-Cha". Or "Wa-Cha" with a dramatic expression frozen on his gorgeous face and his hand firmly attached to his target. I wish I could take a picture.

This is just a part of "us" that I never want to take for granted. My butt was an annoyance of mine for the first half of my life, actually much more than an annoyance. It was the biggest thorn in my side and now it is something that I treasure simply because the man that I absolutely adore finds it so irresistible.

Lucky me.

See Ya

2008-09-05T20:31:00.001-04:00

Depression lifted yesterday. Like magic. See ya again in about three and a half weeks.

How Depressing

2008-09-03T21:56:00.005-04:00

I am so ridiculously depressed. I am almost paralyzed by it. It is so hard to hide it from my children and I am not even sure that I am doing a good job. I have one or two days left of it and then I am back to my regular happy self. How do I know this? Well, my wonderful readers, this is my life. The depression is purely chemical.

I love being in my forties. It is totally awesome! Except for the hormones that go crazy the week before my monthly "friend" comes to visit. Go ahead all you guys....go click off! You'll miss all the good stuff! Anyway....where was I? Oh yeah...the hormones. My first indication that the big "D" is coming is my wonderful amazing loyal fluffy son (my dog). The day of or day before, my dog will walk ridiculously close to me and continually lick the backs of my knees. He only does this right before the depression sets in. He also will lick my legs when I am stationary. Don't get me wrong, he is always close by and very affectionate all the time, but for some reason the knees and legs get kissed continuously only for those few days. Strange, huh?

So, given that it is chemical it should be able to be controlled with drugs. Well, I am on drugs but apparently they are not working. I am very afraid to change anything because the last time I did it made we want to drive high speed into a wall. It was so hard to control the urges to do this and my skin was crawling and I just wanted it to be over. The demonic drugs took about five months to leave my body and it was just a really scary experience. Especially since I am a Stay-at-Home Mom and I am totally responsible for two little lives. Hence, my reluctance to try anything new. That is why I spend a few days a month in misery. The problem is that it is getting progressively worse every month. Last Friday I actually thought about buying a gun which is totally weird because that would not be my method of choice. Not that I would ever do that. I love my husband and my children way too much to be that selfish.

Man this blog is depressing me. My dog curled up by my feet. I love him. I am in love with him. He is pure good. I have no reason to feel this way. I actually have a very wonderful life. Not perfect. But definitely wonderful. So what to do. What to do. I wish I knew. I guess I will just have to figure it out.

If there was ever a time to be Scarlett O'Hara.....yes...I think I will...

"I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow."

Just An Observation

2008-08-29T20:40:00.005-04:00

I don't want to get all political but there is a question that begs to be asked:

Is it just me or if you look at the Democratic ticket really fast, doesn't it look like it could read "Osama Bin Laden"? I mean c'mon? "Obama Biden?"

Just to be neutral, What's McCain's deal picking a woman out of a hat? Experience? Family values? I don't want to judge but....

HELP!!!!!!

2008-08-26T14:02:00.002-04:00

Would it be wrong to put my daughter on Craig's List or Ebay?

Boys are so much easier than girls.

Please someone....help.

I mean....HELP!!!!!!

First and Second Day Of Kindergarten

2008-08-21T09:02:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was my son's first day of Kindergarten. My husband, being the wonderful father that he is, went in late to work so that we could make this a Family Event. It should be a Family Event.

Last week we had a Meet the Teacher Day and we went to the school to meet her. She made a great first impression and we were really excited for school to begin. After we were dismissed we took my son back to the front gate of the school and asked my son to find his way back to his classroom. He did it perfectly.

Fast forward to yesterday, the first day of school. We parked and walked my son through the gate to his building and that was that. He took his backpack, his lunch bag and took off like a shot, navigating through the halls, making his way through a sea of nervous, scared parents and children. By the time we made it to his classroom he was already inside. Since we are not allowed in the classroom we had to poke our heads in to ask for a kiss goodbye.

Boy was that anticlimactic!

Today was the second day of Kindergarten and my son insisted that I go through the drop-off line so that he could walk in all by himself. Next week I won't have a choice. Only students can pass through the gate. So I reluctantly did what he asked.

I thought that they would have "walkers" there to help the little ones find their way. I was told that they would. But what insane parent would let their Kindergartner go in on their own? Uh...that would be me. So I sat there in my car watching his little body lug his school gear through those gates and that was that.

Apparently, my husband and I have done our jobs and prepared him for Kindergarten. Wasn't someone supposed to prepare me?

Will you please read to me?

2008-08-19T17:27:00.010-04:00

My son's Kindergarten was postponed by Tropical Storm Fay. A little disappointing. He told me that he was "so sad about that".

So just now I asked him if he would read one of the summer reading books to me and his reply was:

"I am not interested in reading right now. I will read it to you either later or never.

Which one?

C'mon...the ship is about to sail. Which one? Later? Or never?"

Man, I hate it when my words come back to bite me.

About My Scary Prediction

2008-08-13T16:00:00.005-04:00

Referring to my previous post: My marriage is not really in jeopardy.

I do, however, see how computers can destroy relationships. This goes for video games, TV...whatever it is that can cause you to "check out" for period of time. Actually, these activities devour time.

Good healthy strong relationships require attention and nurturing. There must be a connection.

Make it a point to reconnect. It is YOUR responsibility.

A Scary Prediction

2008-08-07T19:57:00.003-04:00

It pains me deeply to write this. I really hope that I am wrong but I have a prediction: Computers will be the death of my marriage.

Good thing I am not tapped in to my psychic ability.

Back From Vacation Funk

2008-08-06T23:33:00.004-04:00

Yup. I've got it. That back from vacation funk. Feels like it's never gonna leave. What a downer. I had an awesome vacation and instead of reminiscing about the laughs and fun I am wallowing in the funk. Swimming in it.

There is really nothing to be funky about. On paper everything is pretty sweet. It is the same old same old of stay at home motherhood. My children are awesome about 97% of the time. Boy does that 3% take over though. Especially the little princess. She is so sweet and pretty but boy can she be well...terrible. She is a strong willed little thing. She can drain all of my energy in about five minutes flat. I can't wait until she outgrows the attitude. Wait a second! Who am I kidding? That attitude will just change into something else.

Good thing I love her so much. The boy too.

No one ever told me that when we stopped and revolved our lives around theirs that they would grow to believe that everyone revolves around them.

Good thing I have my dog.

Dirty, Definitely Not Sexy, Money

2008-08-02T17:46:00.006-04:00

The last time you touched money did you wash your hands?

I have always known that money is dirty but my friend told me a story that will ensure that I wash my hands every time I touch the stuff. That true story is as follows:

My friend's friend returned home one night, took off her jeans and left them on the floor right next to her bed. When she awoke the next morning she discovered that her cat had urinated on her jeans in which she had about $80. She removed the tainted money from her pocket and slipped it into a plastic bag and forgot about it.

Months later, my friend and the cat-piss money owner walked into her home and found the chewed up plastic bag and the sullied currency on the floor. Her dog was the culprit. My friend's friend then apprised her of the money's history.

My friend then said: "So, you're not going to spend it?"

Friend's Friend: "No. have at it..."

My Friend: "I'm not too proud".

My friend then took the contaminated funds and put them back into circulation.

So, my bloggedy blog friends, readers, browsers, whomever....please please please think of this story the next time you touch money and choose not to cleanse the filth off of your hands.

If you have any dirty, definitely not sexy, money stories to share I would love to hear them just to guarantee I never get complacent on this issue. EW!

Me Being Spoiled

2008-07-30T23:32:00.006-04:00

We just returned home from a fabulous vacation.

As blessed as I am to have a beautiful family and a beautiful home I find myself wondering:

Why don't we have a fabulous beach house with a fabulous porch on the South Jersey shore?

Saturday Morning

2008-07-14T16:17:00.005-04:00

Saturday morning, my three-year-old daughter comes into our bedroom around sevenish all proud and wakes up my husband by saying:

"I made you breakfast."

So, my wonderful husband gets up and finds four bowls of cereal at the table for each of us.

I can't believe how sweet she is.

New mailbox

2008-06-27T10:29:00.006-04:00

The other day we got a new mailbox. When I picked my children up from camp and pulled into our driveway my five-year-old son gasped:

Mommy, we got a new mailbox! It is so beautiful! Can I touch it?

So, when we got out of the car, he ran over to it and exclaimed:

Mommy, I love it! It's soooo beautiful. I love the way it opens and closes and the brown and gold! Mommy, it is sooooooo beautiful. I think I'm going to cry happy tears!

Aaah. If life were only that simple.

Extreme Emotions

2008-06-25T11:19:00.004-04:00

I happen to be very emotional right now. Since I hit 40 I my cycles have been getting progressively more emotional. So I took my Dr.'s advice and went on medication to control the severity of the roller coaster ride down Emotional Mountain. Well. At first it worked and then things got seriously wrong. I actually had suicidal urges to crash my car into walls. This is a problem. Especially since my children are usually in the back. Needless to say, UNACCEPTABLE

I discontinued the medication but it has taken several months for it to leave my body and so I have had to deal with some disturbing side effects (skin crawling, panic attacks, etc.). It has been a fight and I am actually relieved that the extreme emotions are back. I am terrified to try anything else because if my mind and will were not as strong I might not be here. So, my bloggy da blogness....please accept the one week a month of ridiculous rantings of extreme emotions.

When I say extreme emotions I mean that I feel amazing love for my family in every molecule of my being. So, it is not all bad. I look at my dog and I appreciate every wonderful thing about him. His beautiful fur and his delightful smell. His softness ans sweetness so amazing it makes sugar seem bitter. Ooh I love him!

My husband is so ridiculously wonderful. He has far exceeded any expectations of a partner I have ever had. My children are bundles of sweet innocence that it drives me into school girl giddiness.

Don't get me wrong. I always feel like this about my amazing family. It's just that the feelings take me over one week a month.

The flip-side is that the childish episodes drive me away. Thankfully, coming from such a terrible background keeps my reactions in check. I definitely have control of my behavior. I just need to step away to decompress. I just wish I didn't feel so much.

It also makes me needy. I do not like to be needy. I have spent most of my life being needy. I like being my own person and feeling comfortable in my own skin. It has taken me a long time to get here and I finally like me.

Until next week I will just have to deal with the good being AWESOME!!!!! And the bad being TRAUMATIC.

I just can't write any more. I am too emotional.

What is happening to men?

2008-06-23T10:27:00.004-04:00

Please, will someone tell me what is happening to men? I don't know whether it is just here in South Florida or whether this ridiculous trend is becoming an epidemic.

I am referring to men that have decided to remove the hair from their bodies. I understand the "swimmer thing". Swimmers get a pass. But what the heck is the reason for shaving or waxing or whatever your hair removal method of choice may be?

Newsflash: Men are supposed to be hairy. It is part of what makes a man a man. It's sexy. It's desirable and it's just right.

A few weeks ago I was in line to get bagels and I happened to look around at the
rest of the line, predominantly men in shorts and all of them. Yes, all of them had zero hair on their legs. Additionally, they had no hair on their arms. EW! Are you kidding me? Since this traumatic experience I have been hyper aware to men and the amount of hair on their bodies. I am disgusted.

It used to be that it bothered me when men wore jewelry. To me only a watch and wedding band are acceptable. Jewelry is for women. But I know some women like the jewelry on men. But now, this. This hairless thing. I am so happy to be married because it would be hard for me to find a real man here. I mean what must they be thinking? Isn't it...well...girly?

Don't get me wrong. I do not like the typical macho guy. In fact, I prefer a more refined man. However, shaving, plucking and waxing is crossing a line. I love the feel of hair on a man's arms and chest. It's just....manly. It is right. Legs, a man's legs with hair is so sexy. In fact, let me tell you a little story....

When I was in college I had this one class and on the way to class I would always hit this red light at a crosswalk and three days a week this guy would always be waiting to cross the street. I drove a little sports car and my field of vision would always encompass this guys beautiful sexy hairy legs. His legs were amazing. So much so that I had to meet him. I could go into detail of how that happened but then you would all know how crazy I am and that can only be revealed over time.

Anyway, I believe my point has been made. At least where legs are concerned.

Let's move on to arms. What are you men thinking? Ew. Ew. And Ew to the infinite power. Why? Why? Why? The hair on your arms is soft ands sensual. It's not in the way of anything. It's manly. I can't even come up with reasons because I can't imaging why you would even think of removing it. Ick. Also, your arm pit hair. What's up with that? Don't shave it! That is also sexy and helps to release the pheromones that turn us women on! What are you thinking?

Ya know what...I just can't. I just can't continue because I am starting to feel vomitous.

Equally amused and aggravated

2008-06-20T13:31:00.004-04:00

My children and I went swimming this morning. Very fun. Also a lot of work with just me and a three year old and a five year old. I only have two eyes and two arms. Quite the challenge but lots of fun. Anyway, I was really enjoying watching my daughter dive for her Princess dive sticks. I kept calling her Ariel and she was full of giggles. Man, she is a little beauty. I just love watching her tiny little body glide through the water. Such an amazing sight.

My son is fun too. He has been terrified of the water since his first round of swimming lessons where they threw him in the pool at the end. This method works for about 90% of kids with no problem. Unfortunately my son is in the 10% that it traumatizes. Had I known this then.....well...can't go back.

He now swim with confidence and is diving for his superhero sticks. The little torpedos are cool too. I am so relieved because I absolutely love the water.

So, the three of us were swimming, laughing and just enjoying the day. I needed to dry off so that I could make lunch so I stepped out of the pool. Now just enjoying the children playing on the steps. Their choice not to venture far out. Fine with me either way. Well, they were playing and we heard thunder so I said:

Let's get the dive sticks and get out of the pool.

5 year old boy: I don't want to get hurt by the lightning.

Me: There might not even be any lightning. You have time to get the sticks out.

5 year old boy: (starting to cry) I just don't want to get hurt.

Me: Do you think that Mommy would put you in danger?

5 year old boy: No, Mommy. I just don't want to get hurt.

How can I argue with this logic? Very smart boy.

So, I put my equally amused and aggavated self back in the pool to collect the many divesticks and then gathered my wet smart loved ones into our home...the three of us dripping all over the floor.....

If you want to know where I am...I am cleaning my floor.

Not the jealous type

2008-06-19T11:54:00.006-04:00

My husband is not the jealous type which is fine with me because I am super friendly and have some very close friends who happen to be men. Great.

Except for there have been two instances where my darling has been very jealous.

The first time was when we were first starting to see each other. I was actually still in love with my ex-husband. Yes, this is marriage number two. No big deal though because I did not want to spend my life with that one. We were just friends. Good friends and my current husband (let's call him Sweetie----because he is and I do--call him Sweetie that is) Anyway...Sweetie was not at all jealous of the Ex, even though I was with the man for nine years and was still in love with him. Sweetie...not an ounce of jealousy. He was not the problem.

Actually, there was not a real problem. Just a fabricated one. There was this guy that we worked with that was dead set on breaking us apart. I have no idea why. He just wanted us not together so he would tell Sweetie non-truths about me. This blew up at a Halloween party and I have never seen jealousy come out like it did. Thankfully, I am a very strong communicator and straightened the whole mess out. Sweetie, by some miracle chose to believe me over the nimrod co-worker and left the past in the past. That was about nine years ago and I haven't seen a microbe of jealousy until now.....

Here's the deal. There is this guy; a friend from high school (like 26 years ago). Yes, we were boyfriend/girlfriend for a month or two but we were friends for much longer. Now I haven't had contact with him until last year and we have been emailing. Short emails. Funny. No big deal. Except for the fact that my husband is jealous. Why?

Well, it's funny you should ask....at the beginning of our resuming contact this guy made a few inappropriate remarks. It is really just a function of his personality. I expressed to him that I was not interested in going that direction and thus far he has respected that. So in my head there is no problem. Well, not exactly. The problem is that it bothers my husband. Normally when something bothers him I try to make changes so it wouldn't. Sweetie would never ask me to stop communicating with this guy. Let's call him "Marvin", but Sweetie also does not let me talk about it to him which bothers me. Sweetie thinks it is disrespectful for me to talk about it with him and I feel it is disrespectful for me not to. So this has become a problem.

If Sweetie were the jealous type I would not be with him in the first place because I cannot go there. I am a very trustworthy person and I would not ever be unfaithful to my husband. If I were unhappy with our relationship I would leave it. (after trying to work out our problems, of course. I wasted a lot of time in my first marriage staying too long. I have no intention of making the same mistake twice.

I do not want to discontinue emailing and/or speaking with Marvin. I enjoy it. I am not doing anything wrong and Sweetie knows it. For me, it is about trust. Sweetie says he trusts me and I really do believe him. I understand why he is upset. I do not, however, understand how talking about Marvin with him is disrespectful. He said that he is fine with me talking to him and corresponding with him. He just doesn't want to hear about it. I do not like having to filter conversations with Sweetie because he is my best friend and I love being able to tell him everything.

I know what you're thinking. You are thinking if its not such a big deal then stop talking to Marvin. I get that. But, I feel a connection with Marvin. Always have. Some people are supposed to be in your life and I feel that he is one of them. Throughout the years I have thought of him often and I enjoy being in contact with him. In fact, I do not think I would even be with Sweetie if I had not met Marvin first.

Let me elaborate. Marvin and Sweetie both possess a rare combination of qualities. Responsibility and Silliness. Usually, these two do not go hand-in-hand. At least not to the extent that both of them have these. Either you are super silly or you are super responsible. Not both. Let me also mention that there is the "weird" element too. I happen to like the combination. A lot. So if I am lucky enough to meet two people that have it, why shouldn't I be able to have them both in my life?

This is not a threat to my marriage and if it ever were then obviously I would make the necessary changes. My husband and I are very secure in our marriage and genuinely enjoy each other's company. I could not imagine anyone else ever being able to put up with either one of us. It is really meant to be. We have so much fun together. How could I ever be this in sync with anyone else? It is on every level a perfect match. No, Sweetie is not perfect. But he is perfect for me. At least I thought so.

That is why this is a problem. I have lost so much in my life. Why do I have to give up an old/new friend. What is it that bothers Sweetie? I cannot believe that it is simply an inappropriate comment made at the beginning of a "relationship". Maybe it is that they are so much alike and that Sweetie feels threatened. If we were having marital problems I might buy into that. But again...not an issue.

This is really disturbing to me. I am sure that Sweetie doesn't spend nearly as much time on this as I do. I just want it all. I find it difficult to keep a part of my life away from him. That feels dishonest to me. Isn't that disrespectful? I am sure that Marvin barely gives me a thought. I am just some girl that gives him something to do when he is bored. His emails to me usually consist of a word or two. Sometimes a sentence or two. What is the big deal?

I know I am rambling but I just talked to Marvin on the phone last night and pretty soon we will be in close proximity. We are both taking family vacations "back home" and we will be there at the same time. This was not done on purpose. That's what I mean when I say some people are just supposed to be in your life. I want to have a drink with Marvin. It is fine with me if my husband wants to come. I have nothing to hide. But how am I supposed to talk to him about it if he wants to hear nothing about Marvin? How can I go without mentioning it? I can't. I wouldn't. I would have to tell him. I would want him to come with me. Maybe they would become friendly.

I really do want to see Marvin. I haven't seen him in twenty-something years. He is a friend that I really do care about. I don't call many people "friends". So this is pretty big.

The thing that is crazy about this is that I have an Ex-boyfriend that lives back home. Someone I actually lived with. Now, if I said, "Sweetie, I'm going to go have a drink with Matt." He would have no problem whatsoever with that. Same goes with my Ex-husband. Or with anyone else for that matter. I just don't get it. Why is he so jealous? I am not happy about this.

Maybe our relationship is not what I thought it was.

Let me think about that for awhile. Actually, a more accurate statement might be: Let me obsess about that for awhile.

Right again

2008-06-17T13:22:00.003-04:00

I was tucking my son into bed the other night and when I got to his bedroom door he said:

Mommy, you make the best children.

Man, is he right!

Rotten Ronny's

2008-05-28T14:34:00.005-04:00

So having grown up on McDonald's, literally....my idiot father used to leave me money (or sometimes not and I would pillage the change jar) and I would jump the wall and eat my meals at Mickey D's, Rotten Ronny's, whatever...anyway I probably ate 98% of my meals there so when I had children of my own I kind of just blackballed fast food from their diets. Yay! Well.....

My son is now 5 years old and has never had McDonald's. His Sensei at Karate turned to me in shock when my son responded "never" when the class was asked how many times a week they ate McDonald's. I had never really thought about how different it is from most American families. Anyway, I just didn't want my children to make a habit of it and now it has been made to be something that ignites responses such as "You're such a great Mom." This does not make me a great mom. Not in the least. It's just one of the millions of terrible mistakes my stupid idiot father made that I am trying desperately not to repeat and in my attempts I mostly overcompensate.

Anyway, two of the mothers in my son's class decided to treat the entire class to Mickey D's. Happy Meals for everyone! Woo Hoo! I'm not so damn happy, but whatever. They are trying to do something nice. It does come from a good place.

My control freak self could not stand to stay away from the school. I had to find out what my son thought. I mean did I really need to? Who doesn't like McDonald's? Best fries ever. Anyway, I went into the class. Of course he liked it. He said "yummy". He actually ate all of his lunch. There is a McDonald's right at the corner. Please do not ask me every day. Please. The answer will be "no".

Calm down Mommy.....not a big deal. I just needed to vent and open the door to reality-based thinking. I am still in charge of what my family eats, one happy meal does not an addict make.

I don't get it

2008-05-27T14:19:00.004-04:00

I don't get it. I just don't get it.

Three days a week I pick up one of my son's classmate and take him to an extra curricular activity. No big deal. I do not ask for anything in return and I have turned down gift offers from the parents. I do this simply because it makes another parent's job just a little bit easier. It is my way of giving back since I have very kind friends who help me out.

Here's the thing: sometimes these parents make arrangements for the grandmother to pick him up and they do not give me the courtesy of a simple phone call. I am actually relieved not to have the child with me because he is not as disciplined as my own children and I cannot discipline my children the same way because my "normal" course of action would be to threaten my children with leaving the activity which I cannot do if someone else's child is with me.

Anyway, I am just annoyed that there is no common courtesy on behalf of the parents.

I don't get it. I just don't get it.

Bosshole

2008-05-05T21:57:00.003-04:00

I was listening to the radio this morning and the DJ's were talking about a new terminology: Bosshole.

Too funny.

Unfortunately my "bosses" are a two year old and a five year old. I love them way too much to call either one of them a bosshole.

Please will someone out there please think of me when you use this term. Maybe even dedicate it to me.....

Too funny.

My True Gentleman

2008-05-05T11:39:00.004-04:00

The other day I took my children to their Karate class and they ran ahead to get to the door. My five-year-old son waited at the door and held it open for me.

I thought: How nice.

I turned around and saw a woman who takes her grandson to the Karate class. Her grandson was already inside. The woman was walking towards the door and was still about 100 feet away. My son held the door open and actually called out to her: "I am holding the door for you".

After everyone was inside and settled in I asked him if he had learned that from his Daddy. He said "No...I just thought it would be nice".

Now...that's a true Gentleman!

6:30 A.M.

2008-04-12T10:45:00.004-04:00

At 6:30 this morning my five-year old son crawled into bed in between my husband and I and quietly snuggled against me. He put his head down for about a second and a half and then whispered in my ear:

Mommy.....

Mommy.....

Me: Yes, Sweet pea?

My heart is beating.

That means I am alive.

Going to New Orleans

2008-04-07T16:23:00.003-04:00

What should I do in New Orleans?

Anyone have any "must-do's" for me.

I am a big Foodie so I will be eating.

I would be interested to read your suggestions!

Thanking you in advance......

Busted

2008-04-04T14:13:00.004-04:00

I just got busted crying. I do not like my children to see me upset.

They know that everything is not "perfect" all the time and that people are happy and sad and in-between.

So, my son came in, crawled in my lap and:

Sweet Little Boy: Mommy, why are you crying? Is it because of us?

Me: Of course not, Sweetpea. You make me smile.

And then he smiled his "Golden Smile" and all is right with the world.

Gotta love the magic of a child's smile.

Just about done

2008-04-04T13:08:00.004-04:00

I was not expecting an easy time of it but sometimes, no, most of the time, parenting SUCKS.

These children do not learn. It's the whole "potty" thing. Every day my daughter pees in her panties. No, it is not an accident. It is a control thing. She refuses to wipe. She lies about washing her hands. This happens every day several times a day. What gives?

My pediatrician says to punish her. We do. Nothing works. She doesn't pee in her panties when we are out of the house. She lets us know in plenty of time. So you might think that the solution is to stay out of the house. Can't.

"Why not?" you may ask.

Well, my son refuses to go in a public restroom until it borders on being too late and then it is a whole big thing. Why do my children have such urinary issues?

You would think that this is enough to contend with. But there is more. Much much more.

My son, the five year old, won't pee standing up. Yes, he sits. He sleeps in a diaper at night and we have tried to get him out of it. He doesn't care if he sleeps in wet PJs all night and the result is my husband and I change and wash the sheets every day. No thanks.

So, he sleeps in a diaper. You would think he would want to take it off as soon as he gets up. Nope. He would stay in the same disgusting thing for a week if we let him.

Yet this same child screams like someone stabbed him if there is a drop of water on his cup. I just don't get it.

So this morning my son's diaper leaked and his PJ's were wet. He took them off and put them in the sink. Great job!

The problem is that he didn't tell me and if I hadn't noticed he would have slept on stinky pee-pee sheets tonight.

Another issue: my son refuses to go potty before dinner. Yet, every night about five minutes into dinner he gets a "deer in the headlights" look on his face and the following transpires:

Me: Do you have to go potty?

Little Boy: *****eyes widen******

*******blank stare*******

Me: Go

Then he runs to the bathroom. Not to be seen again for about 15 minutes because he does everything in triple slow motion. Eating takes forever too. Timers need to be set. My daughter wants to sit in our laps. So much for a family dinner.

The alternative is to force him to go before dinner which results in a crying screaming child. I don't get it.

Why do they have these issues? Even my male dog doesn't lift his leg. He's a squatter.

Is it me? What have I done to traumatize them into potty rebellion? Whatever it is I am being punished for it. I really feel like I can't cope with the same issues day in and day out. I want to run away. Far away.

I am out of patience. I don't see an end in sight. It is preventing me from enjoying mmy children. I am so stressed out. I'm just about done.

That weekend with my girlfriends was great but the problem is is that it ended. I have a weekend getaway coming up with another girlfriend that I am looking forward to and then another one two weeks from that with my husband that I am looking forward to but I really don't want to live for the "get-aways". I love my children and I just want to enjoy them.

Welcome Home Mommy

2008-03-31T19:37:00.002-04:00

My children must have really missed me.

Both of them wet their pants today. Twice.

Welcome Home Mommy.

I Remember Me

2008-03-31T10:29:00.004-04:00

I just got back from a fabulous weekend with two of my best girlfriends. We haven't been together (the three of us) in almost six years. That is waaaay too long. It won't happen again.

Within 30 minutes of our arrival we set sail on a yacht with mimosas in our hands. Woo Hoo! Like old times. Well, actually it is when the Crown Royal was poured that the "old times" kicked in! What a blast!

I love being with these two women. We are all so different from one another but it is like we are truly soul sisters. Even though we have not been together in six years it was as if we had never been apart. It was like coming home. So many pieces of me long forgotten. The wild side of me remembered. Yes, I must be significantly toned down now since I am a Mommy. Although my one friend is still exactly the same and she now has three children and is a single parent. She is an amazing woman. They both are. Hey! All three of us are!

It was nice to step out of my zone for a while. I used to be a big time partier. Now that I am a family woman I am very conservative. I could probably count the number of drinks I have had in the past six years and not even use both hands. If you don't count this weekend.

Anyway, we sat on the yacht. Drinking, eating, sunning. Enjoying the beautiful weather. Talking. Laughing. Being us with NO FILTERS! We could say anything that came to mind without any judgements whatsoever. How cool is that?

We went from the yacht to the hot tub and relaxed and ate and we just were. It was fantastic. We have decided to do this more often. In fact, we already have the next rendezvous set up! I am very fortunate to have a wonderful husband that allows me to do this. What a great guy! Thank you Sweetie!

Here are the lessons that I learned this past weekend:

1)Being outside on the water is too important to me to forgo.
2)I can be me all the time and if someone doesn't like it they can leave.
3)I can have the exact life I want to have.
4)I am a very lucky woman.
5)I need to be too busy living my life to watch TV instead of being too busy watching TV to live my life.
6)I need to be with these three women more often.
7)I need to remember me.
8)A 42 year-old body does not recover as quickly from alcohol.

Number five will be the hardest one. I am addicted to TV. But I am strong and can accomplish what I want.

These lessons are not in any particular order. They are all of equal importance.

You're mad at me?

2008-03-28T13:07:00.005-04:00

I guess it was time for a disagreement. They are few and far between so I guess I will have to deal.

This morning my husband(Sweetie) and I woke up late. Unfortunately we have both been sleeping a little late for the last few weeks. I have been depressed so that is my excuse. His is: he likes to sleep. Well, who doesn't?

Anyway, his goal is to leave for work around sevenish. Mine is to have the children and getting ready by then. The problem arises because we both want to shower in the morning. He says to me quite often "You can't shower if it is past 6:30."

WHAT? Who died and made you the shower king?

Why is your shower so much more important than mine? Yes, I am a Stay at Home Mom and yes I could shower when I get home from dropping the children off at school. But, why should I have to? I see a lot of people in the morning and frankly I am not awake before I have a shower OR at least a cup of coffee.

Most mornings since the oversleeping started I have yielded to King of the Showers and foregone my morning shower. This morning I HAD to have a shower. I jumped in at 6:40 breaking the Cardinal rule. He slammed an angry fist or hand on the counter saying "Don't DON'T"

Well, I did. So sue me.

I needed to be clean. I'm depressed, just got my period and haven't showered the last couple days. Ew. Very unlike me. I am just too, well, worn out. There was no way I was putting off my shower for another moment.

About a half hour after my horrible infraction Sweetie was obviously pissed off at me.

Me: Are you mad at me?

Sweetie: I guess I am.

Are you kidding me? He's mad at me? Get over it! Wow. A SIP in my own home.

We were supposed to go out to dinner tonight. I had him cancel his sister coming over to baby sit. We rarely go out and we so look forward to spending alone time together out of our home. Change of scenery and all. So I did not take this decision lightly.

What really irks me is he made a comment about this decision "Sometimes I just don't understand you" Hey Sweetie, welcome to my world. This family is supposed to be all about respect. Where is mine? Do you really think I would usurp your shower time if it wasn't absolutely necessary? Regardless of my reason, what makes your shower so much more important than mine? As far as dinner goes, why would I want to spend my valuable time across from someone who had so little regard and respect for me this morning?

I am heading out tomorrow morning to spend some much needed time with my best friends from college who I haven't seen in a few years. This will be my first time away from my children and I have a lot on my mind and my "to-do" list. My time this evening is more important than a regular everyday evening. I was really looking forward to it, but not at the price of my self-respect.

Now I feel a little better. A little.

My Little Girly Girl

2008-03-24T11:27:00.003-04:00

My almost three year old daughter never ceases to amaze me. Before she was born I wished that she would be a girly girl. Be careful what you wish for....

We came home from a long day out and I changed into a T-shirt and shorts. I very rarely wear T-shirts but I wanted to be comfortable and just chill out. I headed upstairs to get the children ready for bed. My daughter took one look at me in my T-shirt and here is what transpired:

Little Princess: Mommy, what are you wearing?

Me: A T-shirt and shorts.

Little Princess: I no yike that. It's not pretty.

Me: It's comfortable. I like it.

Little Princess: I no yike it. You need a pretty shirt. Go put something pretty on.

I reiterate.....BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR!!!!!

I love her.

Mommy Scores!

2008-03-21T11:17:00.001-04:00

So I have had a playdate planned for my son for about a week now and I didn't tell him about it because playdates are often canceled due to unforeseen circumstances and parental whatnot. Anyway, this particular parent has three human children and things come up so I kept the proverbial cat in the bag. No biggie. This morning comes and two of her three children have slight fevers, so thanks but no thanks. See ya next time!

I thought quickly and called a little boy's mommy to see what they were doing. This particular little boy and my son have an unusual bond. They are like brothers of the heart. It is amazing to see them together. Unfortunately parental schedules are hard to coordinate so we can't always get them together. The two boys go to the same school and will sometimes have playground time together and they see each other at pick-up time. Other than that they do not get alone time to play together. Well, today I called and they had other plans. OK. I have plenty of choices.

I decided to check my email before trying someone else. Good thing. His mom called me back and she canceled their other plans. She also understands the bond that the boys have. With that said....we're off!

Mommy Scores!

Relocation

2008-03-21T11:06:00.002-04:00

Verdict is in. Relocation option. New Jersey. Would love to be there in the summer. Love my life here. It would be such a lifestyle change. We talked last night and decided to PASS for now. Whew!...that was close.

But let's not rule out future talks later.

Waiting is the Hardest Part

2008-03-20T13:23:00.003-04:00

OK...I am trying to not "overthink" things. My husband was called to a meeting at corporate and was told not to tell anyone (I'm not anyone, I'm someone. Besides they didn't mean me). Aah. A secret meeting. This could mean many things but given the fact that he is very highly regarded, it probably means Promotion. Relocation. Or both.

Not to worry. In any event, the ball will be in our court. Oh...to be a fly on the wall.

Well, my phone will not ring with an answer for a few hours so I might as well have some fun with the little princess.

TTFN

Self-Important People

2008-03-19T11:59:00.007-04:00

I can't stand self-important people!

I was dropping off my children in the car port at school this morning and some SELF-IMPORTANT PERSON (SIP) blocked both lanes to drop their child off while the rest of us waited.

Our school has worked pretty hard to create an efficient pick-up and delivery system to help out parents. This system works incredibly well as long as the parents follow the rules. There is room enough for four cars to drop off simultaneously allotting time for hugs, kisses and warm good-byes. However, when a parent decides to block a lane because they cannot wait the five seconds needed to permit the line to move. It throws the system off-balance. But, more importantly, it endangers the safety of the SIP's child, since they are not in the expected child cross-walk.

IDIOTS!

Apparently the director of the school noticed the annoyance on my face, since she commented to me "Don't you just love the Nanny drop-off?" Ha! that explains it! Nannies are self-important too!

This is the same type of behavior as in heavy traffic when SIPs decide to ride the shoulder of the road because they think their timeliness is more important than everyone else's.

I know I sound self-righteous. Admittedly, I am. I always try to do the right thing. I try to be considerate of others. It really does not take all that much. Just common courtesy.

I even have some SIP friends. These are the ones who call and immediately start talking about whatever it is they called me for in the first place without so much as an inquiry as to my availability. A simple "Is this a good time for you?" would suffice. I do not include emergencies or extenuating circumstances in which an immediate ear is needed. I am referring to the ones who constantly call and erupt into their purpose. "Hi..you'll never believe what happened to me....blah blah blah...boring details of minutiae. Don't get me wrong I am very interested in my friends and their lives. It is just not necessary for me to know every second of their lives. This,of course,does not apply to my husband or my children. I would love to hear every second of their lives.

A good rule of thumb is: No one cares as much about your children and family as you do. Keep it short and simple. Actually choose the worthy information you would like to share. Instead of blathering on and on.

Boy!I sound like a Bee-atch. Not so. I promise.

In fact, I am the one everyone decides to confide in. I feel a need to fix and help everyone. It is exhausting. But this topic will be addressed in another blog. I am sure. This blog is for the SIPs.

A message for you SIPS and I trust most of you know who you are: TRY EMPATHY. You will surely improve the quality of your life. And definitely ours.

A trip to the Pediatrician

2008-03-13T13:49:00.004-04:00

Good Afternoon....glad to be back....well almost back. I have been in a deep depression for the past few weeks. Still fighting it. But anyway, yesterday I had to take my son for his five-year well visit to the Pediatrician. I thought there were no shots involved. Luckily a friend of mine forewarned me and I pleaded with my husband to leave work early to help out. Reason? My son is the biggest baby ever. He freaks out at the mere mention of a shot. My two-year old daughter takes it like...well...like a woman. Don't get me wrong...I LOVE men. They have all the right parts and they are beautiful amazing creatures but let's face it if men had to give birth the human race would surely die out. Not much tolerance for pain.

Back to my story....my son started his Dr. visit with the little finger prick where they squeeze the blood into that teeny tiny tube. Well, he was such a little baby about it and so hyped up that the blood was gushing out which made him cry worse. My baby girl was afraid that they were hurting her brother so I continually reminded her that she had done the same thing a few weeks earlier but it was her toe they pricked, not her finger. At this point I was so glad that my hubby was there because I cannot effectively comfort two children at the same time. Also, the whole reaction to such a minor thing was so irrational that it required both of our adult minds to remain calm. I do understand how scary it is for a child, the unknown and all. But to carry on for 15-20 minutes after the event is just beyond me.

This was only the beginning because we still had the exam and four shots to contend with. Well, the Dr. comes in and let me just say for the record that I absolutely love our Pediatrician. In fact I have informed him that if we ever move out of state that he must relocate his family as well. He finds this amusing but he really doesn't understand that I am only half kidding. I can be very convincing when I really need to be. Not manipulative though. Here I am getting side-tracked (one of my fatal flaws). So Dr. "M" comes in and my son who is brilliant, but extremely immature start making sounds and being silly...the anxiety of the occasion amplifying his silliness but I tried to let it go until it became too distracting. Very embarrassing in front of a man I respect so much. Glad to know he thinks my son is a "genius", literally. We muddle through the exam and discuss briefly ADD which he knows is a concern of mine. He and my husband believe that it is just immaturity at this point. I hope they are right. Although, there are much worse things than ADD.

I understand that no one is perfect. I really wouldn't want them to be. But I am thankful that my son is smart and funny and he has to be the sweetest boy who ever lived. He is constantly hugging and kissing and telling me and his sister how pretty we are. He is polite and thoughtful and I could go on and on and probably will as I continue blogging and talking and breathing but I really want to write about the whole "shot" incident.

So, we got through the examination and now my sweet boy knew that the four shots were coming. My husband had long ago left the room with my daughter who was bored. So it was now just my sweet little Prince and I. We talked, we played and then in comes the assistant with four long needles. My son saw them and started whining "No shots..I do not like shots" I said "Sweetheart, no one likes shots. Sometimes we have to do things we don't like". Who was I kidding? No logic was going to fix this. I told him that I had brought surprises and that if he cooperated he would get them. None of the pleading or cajoling worked. I had to hold him and constrict his arms so she could administer the poison. Not fun. When we were done I was lucky I still had the ability to hear. Can humans actually scream that loud? I can answer that! Why, yes. Yes they can. My poor baby boy. Now I knew that next I would have to endure the begging for the "surprises". Sorry buddy...not earned. Sometimes parenting really sucks. I wanted to give him everything, but I knew better. Man I love that child. I love both of them. Actually all three of them. I absolutely consider my dog my child too.

One of the hardest things about parenting, for me, is not giving in to their every want. I really want to indulge them. But I would be doing them a great injustice because as we adults know, life is not like that. So hard to draw that line. To achieve a good balance. I love the days when we throw caution to the wind and have an "Ice Cream for Dinner Day" or do silly things and put the "rules" away for a little while. We had water fights in the pool last week and that was great. Even though it was mostly me throwing water on my husband and the children laughing it was fantastic! The four of us had an amazing time. Ok...call me "Side-Track Sally" no, ya know what...I will get side-tracked. The Pediatrician visit is yesterday's news. Today I am going to make that little boy laugh within the first five seconds I pick him up from school. So what if he can't deal with shots! They don't happen that often and I will baby him. He deserves it! I will kiss his wonderful face when I pick him up and then the three of us (the girl, the boy and I) will be silly all the way to Karate!

See ya next time Dr. M.

Can someone get this elephant off my chest?

2008-03-01T11:01:00.004-05:00

What is going on with me? My mind is all over the place. Things I want to do, things I have to do. I cannot get organized. I feel lost. Before I had children I could sort this stuff out. Now I am not my own. This has nothing to do with my inner happiness because I love my family. I am just...well...jumbled. Overwhelmed. Procrastinating...but not purposefully. Lost. I am actually lost in my own head. I want to make lists but don't know where to start. How is this happening? I am, at least I think I am a together person.

I don't think I can blame this one on the medication. I might be depressed but it is strange because I am not sad. Aren't they the same? Doesn't depression go hand in hand with sadness. Supposedly depression is a chemical imbalance. I have no control over it. But maybe if I could get myself focused enough to change something in my routine. I think it might be the TV that is pulling me down. But I feel that I need to turn off (me, not the TV) at the end of the day. But the past few weeks (yes, weeks) I have been falling asleep in front of the TV. Last night (this morning) my husband and I both woke up at 5:00 a.m. on the sofa in front of the TV. This can't be good. It's not good.

I have had an elephant standing on my chest for weeks now. The altercation I had with my demented father didn't help and even though I was supposed to release all the negative energy, it keeps creeping back in. I keep remembering more and more horrific things he did. I want to let go but things keep coming back and totally pissing me off. When I was 13 a friend of my father's pinned me against a wall and stuck his tongue down my throat. I told my father about it that night. Wanna know what he did? He did nothing. Well, that's not exactly true. See, this child molester cut my father's hair and my father not only did not confront the pervert, he continued to get his hair cut by him. Up until about ten years ago. Just so you know...I am 42. Sick, huh? It never even occurred to me to be pissed off at my father until now, when I have children. It is these things that haunt me and tear at my soul. But can I really blame all this mess for what is going on now?

Get it together. It should be easy. I am an intelligent person. Too bad intelligence and emotions do not work in synch.

If I could just figure out what to do first. I will have a conversation with my husband and we will figure it out together. I just needed to get this out so I can start from a clearer place.

I am strong and capable. I can and will do this. I will rebuild what I lost. It should be easier this time around.

Center. Clarity. Peace. Serenity.

How the healing begins

2008-02-28T16:34:00.004-05:00

So the other night, my family went out to dinner with a friend of my husband's. Just a normal dinner. Normal conversation. Only thing about this dinner that deviated from normal was that I had to take my daughter into the men's room to potty because the woman in the ladies' room was taking too long and my daughter is only two. I got caught my a man claiming to be the potty police but it was all in good fun and thankfully the men's room was clean.

Anyway....back to my story...this dinner happened the same night I had the blowout with my father. So I may have been far away in my head. I don't remember whether this happened that night or perhaps the next day or even the next evening, but my husband said something to me that really touched my heart and changed the way I was feeling and put me back on course to finding "me" again. (Hard for a damaged woman to do after being re-destroyed by her father). The funny thing about my husband is he doesn't say things just to say them. He is Real and it would not occur to him to stroke my ego just to set me straight. I know when he speaks, he speaks only from his heart. He is also not one to readily compliment. He is, as I said, very Real.

Here is what he said: I was watching you at dinner the other night and listening to you speak and I was proud that you are my wife. You are very engaging.

Wow. He blew me away. It is just such a nice thing to acknowledge. But coming from him it means simply everything. Now I feel I can begin to heal and to find me because this wonderful man knows me. He knows me better than anyone. He loves me. He likes me. He grounds me. He is a huge part of me. We chose one another and that is doubly good because I have so much respect for him. I have so much love for him. I have so much like for him. I value his choices. His decisions. If this person has chosen me and is happy to have done so, I must be worth it. I knew I was when we got together and I can now remember what that feels like.

Thank you, my love....without even knowing it....with just a single statement from your heart you have reminded me of who I am. This is how the healing begins.

I'm Still Standing

2008-02-28T15:51:00.006-05:00

I have needed to vent for a few days now and some of the fire and thunder is gone but here I go....

Last week I had an irrational idea to contact my father, who I do not speak with because he is a man without a conscience, without morals and probably no soul. Anyway, I grew up on the Jersey shore and I love the beach and I want to give my children a piece of that. My father lives in a home close to the beach that he and his wife (who thinks she's a witch) stole from my grandmother. I spent a lot of my childhood in this home and consider it my home too. As did my grandparents. Anyway, I thought if we could put differences aside and possibly give my children a wonderful summer there it would be wonderful.

BIG MISTAKE! At first, my father seemed like he wanted this but that his crazy wife would be a problem. Believe it or not I don't think she is crazy because she thinks she is a witch. I think she is crazy because she is. They both do not leave the house because they fear the world is out to get them and they are extremely lazy. They wake up and smoke their weed and take naps. There is no contribution to society or community. There are no thoughts about other people other than themselves. They don't even vote. These observations of mine are not my opinion, they are facts. I happen to be a very forgiving person and I was willing to look the other way of my father's past indiscretions of which there are many in exchange for a promise of no drugs in the home while I was going to be there with my children. It was still in the planning stages and I would have most likely nixed the idea because I really do not want to explain to my very young children what is wrong with Grandpa.

Anyway, I was stopped in my tracks because my father decided to take an opportunity to attack my dead mother. Ridiculous. What purpose? Isn't a parent's job to protect their children? What happened here? Ok...I am jumping ahead. Ya know what? I do not want to go into details...I just really want to vent and rant and rave so.......

How could this person (for lack of a better term) forget or block out or whatever all the terrible things that he did to me when I was a child? He beat me. He verbally berated me. He neglected me. Spit at me. Punched me, kicked me and banged my head against boards and walls. He embarrassed me in front of friends and peers. He let his wacko girlfriend get away with hanging me from a tree until the branch fell and stripping me down and beating me with said branch until my legs bled. It took me months to physically heal and I suppose years to emotionally heal, if I ever will fully heal. He actually said to me that he would have done it worse. Pathetic. Anyway, I was willing to overlook all this because he was young, stupid and on heavy drugs. I would never allow him to be alone with my children. This man denies any of this happening and when I bring up specific instances he denies it even more. How can he not remember these events. They have shaped my life. They are me. His response to my bringing this up was to attack my dead mother. Isn't abandonment better than abuse? How dare he insult me by denying the truth! Just because he doesn't remember doesn't mean it didn't happen.

I thought I was done with all this crap. I thought I was healed. I went into therapy before having children to make sure I wouldn't repeat the cycle of abuse. I healed! I am a very good mother. I have never and would never hurt my children. I could not do any of these things. I couldn't even contemplate it. I look into their beautiful innocent faces and my thoughts revert back to my past and I wonder "how could they?" I am just the opposite. If I could protect them from every scrape, bruise or hurt feeling I would do it. I try. My husband reels me in so I am not too overprotective. I am so careful to keep my mistakes to minor ones. If I can avoid all the ones my parents made I will do well. I am sure I will never do any of those things.

I can never talk to my father again. He is toxic. He will never change or learn. He is the laziest most self-centered breathing being who ever existed. I wish I could call him evil, but I really don't think he is. I think he is a stupid child who never learned empathy or right from wrong. I just can't understand. When I even suspect that I have wronged someone I ask about it I try to learn from it and I try to right my wrongs. I do not want to leave a path of pain in my wake. I have a desire to help where I can and maybe even a responsibility to do enough good to make up for all the bad that he did.

I need to get past this. I want to let go of all this negativity once and for all and to turn it around to positive. If I can make something good of this poison I can bring good to my family. I need to un bury myself from this hole. I am going to let go now. Hopefully I will not have to bring this up again. I am trying to release it. Breathe deep cleansing breaths in......exhale all negative out.....

Heal me.......

Wellbutrin is EVIL

2008-02-17T12:13:00.004-05:00

I believe that the source of my three week migraine is Wellbutrin. Along with some other diabolical side effects. Let me elaborate. I felt like I was jumping out of my skin. I wanted to crash my car into a wall. I wanted to run away. I was itchy all over. I did not feel remotely like myself. I had to fight the urge to be impatient with my children. I did not care about my responsibilities being completed. The pounding headache and shakes and tremors and just the feeling of "Who am I?". Terrible terrible terrible.

Well, now, thanks to my wonderful caring aunt, I have discontinued the poison and am starting to feel like myself again. After just two days. Rationally, after two days. Rationally, because two days of feeling like hell is still not acceptable. I actually have physical pain throughout my back as well. Evil. Pure EVIL.

I am a reasonable rational strong person, but I can totally see how this drug could make someone do things they would not normally even contemplate. My willpower is very strong so I did not for a second think that I would give into such urges. However, if I would have continued, who knows? Shouldn't this be illegal? I just wanted something to relieve my anxieties, which unfortunately are many.

I just wanted to get it out there that WELLBUTRIN IS EVIL!!!!!

Escape

2008-02-13T16:39:00.005-05:00

I would like to escape right now. To run away. What am I doing? I am tired of the crying over nothing (the children, not me). My son never went through the terrible two's, but he is more than making up for it now. Why is everything so difficult? Why do I have to ask him to do something six or seven times before he even considers doing it? This afternoon I asked him to empty his lunchbox and he replied "I will do it when you stop asking me to do it." He's joking, right?

Now its the Valentine's Day issue. He doesn't want to write his cards, he does want to write them. But when he sits down to do it, they do not get done. He just sits and looks around at everything else. You would think it is ADD or something, except that if he wanted to do it, if he had an interest, he would do it in seconds flat.

I really want to disappear. I am not my mother though. I won't leave. Maybe I should admire her for leaving.

Yesterday

2008-02-13T10:20:00.003-05:00

Yesterday...all my troubles seemed so far away...just kidding.

Yesterday, I needed to blog but couldn't find the time. My day began with a 45-minute full blown temper tantrum complements of my son. Immediately followed by a 30-minute continuation from my daughter. I have to give myself an award for not yelling, not losing it and for remaining perfectly calm. Amazing, given my upbringing. It is not often that I recognize my achievements, but I absolutely have to on this one. Yay me!

The day did not get much better but I was pretty productive considering the inclement weather. Anyway, tonight is date-night with my husband. Something we rarely find the time to do, although we do spend time together and enjoy each other's company on a daily basis.

I have to give thanks to his uncanny judgement of character. In the very beginning of our relationship a co-worker/friend tried very hard to sabotage our relationship. He told lie after lie. He was very good at lying, this so-called friend. So good that I, the truth teller, almost believed him when I knew it to be a lie. Anyway, given the newness of our relationship, my husband had no reason to believe me over this other guy. Wouldn't most men choose to side with a man over a woman? Anyway, he chose to believe me. If he had not, we would not be together and I would not have my beautiful family. So, thank you LIAR!

The reason I thought of this is because my best friend had an encounter with the liar and it reminded me of the incidents (yes, there were more than one). So again, I am offering a thank you.

So, yesterday is over and today is here. I have much to do and very little time to do it. So...off I go.

Have a simply fabulous day!

My sucky weekend

2008-02-11T09:33:00.000-05:00

Boy, oh boy! That was a very sucky weekend. EARLY Saturday morning we took our two children to the dentist. My son is terrified at the dentist. When he was two he fell and chipped his two front teeth, so he has been walking around with a chipped smile. A gorgeous smile nonetheless.His smile lights up his face and the entire room. Infectious.

Anyway, the dentist informs us that the one of his teeth needs to be extracted. Ouch! My poor baby. They will sedate him and remove the tooth because it is starting to abscess. I have very close friends in the dental field and they have informed me that this is true. So out his tooth will have to come.

I had planned on spending the weekend under the influence of narcotics to try to obliterate the migraine that has been plaguing my life for the past two and a half weeks. (Today is Day 18). So when we returned home from the dentist I downed a percoset. Mid-afternoon we went to see an Aunt and Uncle who were visiting from out of town. It was nice seeing them but the drugs were not working to alleviate my pain so I was somewhat uncomfortable. By the time we got home I was badly in need of another pill (for the pain, definitely NOT an addiction; I don't even like to take tylenol). We came home to our wonderful dog who always gives a fantastic greeting. My husband went to pick him up and he cried out in pain (my dog, not my husband). So either he pulled a muscle right then or he hurt himself while we were gone. In any event, off to the Animal Hospital to determine the source of pain.

Several hours, an X-ray and a blood test later I was on my way home with no answers. This really sucks. My pain I can take. I usually deal with it on my own without any pain killers which is probably why it has increased to this level. But I can not take my dog being in pain. It is eating at my core. Why can't I comfort him the way he comforts me? I am not happy. I want him pain-free. NOW.

What can I do? He whimpers in pain when we try to pick him up. He can not jump up. It even pains him to step over the slider on our sliding glass door. There is nothing I can do. I am trying to ice the injury but I am not even sure exactly where his injury is. I emailed his regular vet. I have called there several times. My husband dropped off his X-ray and medical report so that she would have it there. She is returning from vacation today so I am sure that she is busy but I really need my dog to be the main focus of everyone. The world needs to revolve around him because he is truly worthy. Please help him. Help me help him. SOMEONE......ANYONE.......HELP HIM!!!!!

Once he is comfortable I can then deal with my son's tooth. I do not know why they scheduled the abstraction so far away. I am severely stressed about this. How am I going to prep him for such an event. I do not and will not lie to him. I want to comfort him too.

I need to get his birthday party invitations out. I usually write a poem and make his invitations. How am I going to do that? They need to go out this week. Give it up. No one cares about the invitation but me anyway. Logically, this makes sense. I am a logical person. However, I am plagued by emotions that seem to take control. Thank goodness for the special man in my life. He centers me. Yup...you guessed it. The Husband. My Husband. The Wonder that never ceases. Thank you, Sweetie.

OK...I need to stop blogging before I start blubbering....

One of my favorite things...

2008-02-07T10:10:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite things to do is to paralyze my dog with pleasure. You see, he follows me around everywhere and watches over me. But every so often he decides to get a couple of feet of distance between us and if I am fortunate enough to notice then I pet him and rub him right along his neck and chest. The place where his involuntary reaction is for his tongue to go in and out of his mouth. Or I might scratch him just above where his tail begins so that he may want to walk away but he cannot because it feels too good. I might also choose to scratch his belly which again "paralyzes" him from moving away. I keep this up for minutes and minutes. When I "release" him from my hypnotic hold, he ALWAYS thanks me with a barrage of kisses. It must be one of his favorite things too!

Of course there are also the involuntary movements of the back legs, when his belly is scratched. That's always fun to enact. Also, the cocking of the head to one side and the nose jutting out just so, when just the right spot is scratched.

Oh, how I love him.

His version of "paralyzing" comes in two forms. The first being what we like to call the "Web of Fluff" This usually, but not always, occurs when we are running late and while passing by His Fluffiness he will roll over and stretch out inviting us to rub his wonderful tummy. Once we do it, we are caught. The paw extends out to its limit. We cannot break away from his fluffy goodness. Admittedly, I am caught in the web of fluffiness more than anyone else. I also require outside interference to be pulled out. It is ridiculously hard to break away.

The second form of "paralyzing" is the voracious kissing sessions. He will just lick and lick and lick until you feel like you want to pass out. When this occurs, my husband often asks for help. My reply to him is "You don't need help". This is love in its purest form.

Sometimes the kissing comes with bondage. This is if I make the mistake of lying down on the floor. He will stand on my hair and stick his tongue so far up my nose that I have allergy problems for the rest of the night, if not for the next few days. He attempts this move almost every time I lie down. I do not enjoy this. I do, however like when he kisses my face (must conceal my nose). He is such a loving boy.

How lucky are we to have this wonder!?! I think I'll go lay on the floor.....

MRI

2008-02-05T17:55:00.000-05:00

News Flash: The cure for a twelve-day migraine is NOT an MRI. Are you kidding me? This was an entirely different experience. Luckily the tech that called me the day before informed me that I could bring my own music. I chose one that is the one I would take to the proverbial dessert (or tropical) island if I were only allowed one. For me this was LAID by James.

So they ask you to lay perfectly still for about 35-40 minutes. This means no wiggling of fingers and or toes. Perfectly still. I was afraid to even swallow. They provided me with a head covering similar to a shower cap, ear phones and then put this helmet-type thing on my head. The room was very cold but they covered me with many blankets. I took my shoes off because I am much more comfortable bare foot. Then I assumed what I thought to be a comfortable position and closed my eyes. After hearing so many claustrophobia stories I decided right then to keep my eyes closed so that I would not freak out. Not that I am claustrophobic, but ya never know.

The table then lifted and slid back into a chamber. My wonderful CD was playing very loud and I was going to ask them to turn it down but I assumed they knew what they were doing. Assumption correct. What happened next increased my pounding headache tenfold. I can only liken it to the loudest jackhammer on earth competing with a fire alarm for the deaf. I could barely make out my wonderful James. I can't believe with all of our technology we can not figure out a way to make this a quiet procedure. Wow. I am lucky I still have hearing. (My four-year-old came home from school like a bear, so I kind of wish I had close to no hearing....Be careful what you wish for).

Anyway,I did my best to be a statue and to tune in to my music. Thank all that is good in the world that I brought music that touches my soul. I also now realize that this was the payoff for growing up in a household where there was lots of screaming that needed to be blocked out. There is, I guess, a reason for everything.

So, there I was on the table for about twenty minutes keeping perfectly still when the tech says, "OK, you're doing great, now I need to inject you but you have to keep still so the images can be compared." HUH? You mean while you inject a dye into my brain (via my arm)? Yup...that's what she meant. OK....more fun and games for me.

The conveyor table went back out into the room where there was breathing space. I kept my eyes closed to maintain the zen-like state I had put myself into. Luckily she had a "good stick"...I braced myself for pain, but it was a teeny tiny little ...not even a pinch. It was really nothing. She placed my arm precisely where it had been prior to the injection. Good job.

Back into the chamber for me. Now I am imagining this dye seeping into my brain. Coloring the nooks and crannies. Telling myself not to panic. I start to taste, maybe metallic. I don't know. Trying to remain calm...where's my music..jackhammer, alarm....who's winning? Now I start thinking about what if they find some tumor or something life threatening. I have to prepare for my children. Tapes, letters...something so that they can have their mommy for every occasion. Birthdays, my daughter's first period, their first dates, Graduations, Wedding Days....where's my music...don't panic...it's probably just a hormonal headache that needs it's (_!_) kicked. James....where is your music?...calm ...calm...calm...

OK...made it through the whole thing with kudos from the tech. Yay me. I asked to see the pictures of my brain. It is a pretty brain. I like it. It has served me well and hopefully will continue to do so for many years to come.

Now we just have to get the results....more worry? Nah...I love my medulla oblongata...don't you?

Stay at Home Mom

2008-02-04T11:01:00.000-05:00

Here we go. Something that really irritates me is when a Stay-At-Home-Mom (SAHM) replies "I'm just a mom" What does that mean anyway? My objection is to the "just". There is nothing trivial about being a SAHM. It is, in fact, the most important job there is.

Before I had children I was a career woman. A CPA. I worked on 10-k's. I analyzed accounts. Developed supporting schedules. Worked on press releases. For a Fortune 500 company. BIG DEAL!!! If I had continued on this "career path" what could I have said about my life towards the end of it? Something like "That was a hell of a Earnings per Share I calculated." Or "So glad those numbers tied" Was it challenging? I guess for a little while. But there was not a doubt in my mind that I could figure out whatever the problem was. I could be replaced by anyone with an accounting background and credentials. Woo Hoo, what a great life.

Now what challenges does my present job hold? What responsibilities? Let me think.....oh yeah...it is to grow two human beings into kind, loving, moral confident adults. How could you identify that with the word "just"? I do not get it. At the end of my life I will hopefully have two wonderful people as a reward for my efforts. For me, as well as for you and yours. Is that not the most wonderful job in the world?

People ask me if I am bored? Are you kidding me? Every day is a different challenge. Could be anything from teaching the letters of the alphabet, reading, potty training to teaching how to think things through. How to problem solve. How to reason. Right from wrong. Answering questions I once knew but have now forgotten or finding the answers to questions I never knew the answer to. How about teaching that it is OK to make a mistake or to admit that you do not know. Teaching how to keep trying when you think you can't. How can this range of duties be boring?

My job does not stop. Not ever. I must make sure they are clean, well-fed and most importantly instill a sense of self-worth and make sure that when they lie their little precious heads on their pillows at night that they feel loved, safe and secure. This is all done with many obstacles along the way; some the same day in and day out and some new ones that pop up. Boring? Not even close. How about exhausting? YES!

I am not saying that working mothers do not have the same responsibilities. Nor do I think that their job is easier than mine. In fact, just the opposite. Their mornings must be harder than mine tenfold. I also can't imagine what it would be like to be away from my little sweeties for a work day. I personally could not do it and I admire those that can.

I guess I have control issues. I need to make sure that the information going into their spongelike little brains is the "right" kind of info. They remember EVERYTHING. Much better than we do. They take in the fine details that are lost amongst the adults who have to worry about other adult responsibilities. I am the protector of their innocent childhoods.

I suppose I am overcompensating for what my childhood lacked, but I am well aware of the damage that can be done to a child and I do my best to avoid these pitfalls. I am rising above my past.

Thankfully, I found a man, my husband, who is on the same page as I am and we parent as a team. One team, One dream. We discuss all disciplinary measures before acting so we do not send mixed signals. A lot of my SAHM friends do not have this advantage and they parent from opposing sides. Result: confusion and poor behavior. I am not saying that we are the perfect parents. No. We have made our share of mistakes. But we learn from them and teach our children that we too can make mistakes.

Anyway, it really irritates me when anyone, especially other SAHMs, discount the importance of this tremendous job. Whew. I feel better. I am sure I will rant and rave aboout this again. This is my sanctuary and that is what it is here for.

Have a spectacular day...I am going to attack my dog with kisses.....

Four-year old quote

2008-02-02T20:56:00.000-05:00

We were sitting at dinner tonight and forgot to turn off the TV in the living room. My four-year old son said: "The TV is destroying me."

Too cute. He meant 'disturbing'. But he could be right. The TV may be destroying all of us. But it does provide mindless entertainment for times we need to shut down.

I love my family.

My Mother

2008-02-01T13:09:00.000-05:00

Today is the tenth anniversary of my mother's death. I suppose that the loss of a mother is something you never get over. Why should you?

It is very hard for me because I did not have a "normal" relationship with my mother. She left the first time when I was five. I think. It was in and out of my life from then on. How do you recover from a loss of something that you never really had but so desperately wanted?

My mother was bad mouthed by my father and my paternal grandmother my entire life. My father had no room to speak because he could have been in the running for a Worst Parent Award himself. I do not want to waste time on him today of all days.

Yes, she was bad mouthed. They wanted me to hate her. How do you hate your mother? I never hated her. Not even close. I think I idolized her in a way. She knew she couldn't handle being a mother, so she bailed. On her deathbed, it was not one of her regrets. I know because I asked her if she had any. Her reply was "No, because of I found myself in a situation I did not like, i changed it." So, there it was. I guess that is a good thing for her. I learned from it. I try to do that too with one difference, I try not to leave hurt people in my wake.

Now that I am a mother myself I can not imagine abandoning my children. I do not ever even think it. It is hard for me to leave for a couple hours. Even if it is to rejuvenate. I suppose I am overcompensating. So what. My children know they are loved and they feel absolutely safe and secure. They are sweet and wonderful. but here I go off the track...

My mother, on her deathbed, asked me not to speak about what she did to me. I told her that I would not be able to honor her request. She understood, but she did not like it. Almost all of her friends did not know she had a child. She told them I was her step-daughter. So when I checked out of life for a year to take care of her when she was ill her best friend kept saying to me "This is so nice of you." I did not understand why she would say such a thing once, let alone repeatedly. So I asked my mother and she told me that everyone, well almost everyone, thought that I was her deceased husband's daughter. Wow, just when you thought the hurting was over. Then she asked me not to correct them. This request I did honor. I do not break my word so I told her I would try. So far so good.

I miss her. She may not have regreted abandoning me but she did make apologies for hurting me. She wished it could have been different. But it wasn't. She was young and not ready. She was different from me in that respect.

The fact that she failed at motherhood makes her sound like a terrible person. But she wasn't. She was intelligent. Extremely intelligent. Successful at every career choice she made and there were many. She rose to the top in each field and it was almost like a checklist of "been there, conquereed that". She had a zest and love of life the likes of which I have never seen matched. She loved to travel. She was kind to others. She was an excellent conversationalist and a listener. A peacemaker. She was wonderful and I miss her.

I miss her right to my soul. I miss the something I will never have. I miss the relationship built between us as two adult women. A mother and a daughter bond that was so short-lived because of her illness. She was taken from me so quickly. It hurts. It does hurt. I miss her. I miss her laugh and her wisdom and her uncanny ability to laugh at herself.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I want my mommy.

Back from Disney

2008-01-31T22:59:00.000-05:00

Back from Disney. Happiest place on Earth? I think not. I noticed that most people were not smiling. My children had a great time. I had a migraine for five days. Ever ride a roller coaster with a migraine? Not fun. But I have to admit that I would do anything to see a smile on my childrens' faces. I was telling my wonderful husband that before I had children if I had a migraine, it would have incapacitated me. But now...here I am getting on rides...smiling....trying to block out the pain and not complain. I didn't want to ruin anyone else's time. Wow...I'm really grown up. Or stupid. For not taking care of myself. Either way...here I am. I survived and I still have a headache. Not really a migraine anymore. We'll see what the Dr. says tomorrow.....

Glad to be home, but I have so much to do. I feel overwhelmed. But here I sit. Blogging. Procrastinating. I should be in bed by now. Or at least be productive. Now I feel guilty. A wasted emotion. I need to change my line of thinking before the negative force sucks me in......

La la la...my family is wonderful....la la la.....I love my life.....ooops forgot to mention the crappy day I had.....before I turn this into positivity I must say that this was my day today:

Woke up later than I would have liked. Convinced the two year old girly girl to get dressed. Woke up the sleepy sleeping child and did the same. Packed lunches and served breakfast simultaneously. Coaxed said children into finishing up, shuffled them into the car along with the lovely dog. Drove them to school. Started home and realized that I had to return to the school to drop off extra clothes "just in case". Headed for home. Ate bowl of cereal, guzzled coffee and off to the vet. My wonder pet was deemed fine and headed for home. Loaded and started dishwasher. Sat for five minutes and headed back to school to pick up my little girl. Stopped in boy's class to notice spots on his face. Oops, he had to come home with me (three hours early)because he had spots all over his body. Headed home to wait for the Dr's office to open. Got an appt....headed to my wonderful friend's house to drop off my daughter so she would not absorb, inhale, or breathe in all the germs left behind by everyone else's children. OK....son deemed fine but was an allergic reaction....whew! I think.

Off to the pharmacy to get relief for this ridiculous migraine that won't let up. OK...picking up a prescription that I know will ease my pain and being unable to take it until the babies are asleep. Torture. Pure torture. Anyway, waited in line at the pharmacy. Got to front of line when my two year old informed me she had to go potty. Out of line...to the potty...no soap...no paper towels. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THIS IS A DRUG STORE!!!!! CVS!!!!!! Stock your bathroom!!!!!!Ridiculous. Got back in line. The woman in front of me picked up 50 prescriptions. It took them 20 minutes to wait on them. I have two toddlers with me. This day is a nightmare.

My wonderful responsible husband knows the day I have had and assures me he will leave work between 5:00 and 5:30. What a wonderful man. The phone rings at 5:45. Are you serious? Just swallow it. Push it down. Do not explode. Do not explode. Remain calm. You can do this.

Feed children dinner. My non-eater wants seconds. Then fruit, them yogurt, then a snack. Where's the camera? When does this day air? Husband is home. Does he really need to change and go to the bathroom? Do I really need to stick around? Can't I just leave like my mother did? No.

Truth is I really do not want to leave. I love my life. I love my husband. Maybe even too much. I love my children. Maybe too much. I love my dog. Again..too much. I don't want to leave. I just want to breathe.

Now that I have released the negativity....the goodness is seeping in......deep breath....and time for sleep.....

Tra la la la la la

More fun and games later.....

Lucky

2008-01-25T10:47:00.000-05:00

The children are almost completely packed. Wanna know why? Two words: My Husband. So, he didn't physically pack the clothes (although he would have if he were here), but he did provide the emotional support needed by me so that I could get the job done. He always does.

What I did to deserve this man, I haven't the slightest idea. Perhaps my reward for enduring a hellish childhood. I asked him and he said "Look at you"...of course this is a running joke we have. One of very many. Whatever the reason...I am grateful and, yes, lucky.

I do not have time to write more about him right now, but let me assure you there is plenty more to say. I will get to that. I actually need to. You see if I do not release it my heart will explode. It seems that I fall more in love with this man every day. Lucky.

What is wrong with me?

2008-01-25T10:03:00.001-05:00

OK, I have done this hundreds of times so I do not know what the problem is. We are ggoing to Disney today and I need to pack up the family. We are leaving in about five hours and I have not packed one thing.

I am really stressing and I can't seem to get it together. I have a pack list to guide me but it seems I am frozen. Walking around....la la la la la. I know what I have to do. Why can't I do it?

OK, here's what I am thinking. It is going to be cold there. I grew up in cold weather. I should know how to dress my children. I just can't clear my head enough to do it.

I need to try.....

Back to School

2008-01-24T11:41:00.000-05:00

Good Morning!

My son has been out of school since Friday. Earache and Strep. Double whammy. Considering he is almost five and this is his first bout with both I feel fortunate.

Mornings are a little rough here. My two year old thinks she is five and my almost five year old thinks he is two. Pretty comical. This morning was no different except for the fact that I have been with my sick cranky little boy since Friday. Patience holding on. To get through this morning I composed a sweet little melody that I sang to myself. It goes like this:

Lexapro and Wellbutrin, Lexapro and Wellbutrin, Lexapro and Wellbutrin, Lexapro and Wellbutrin, Lexapro and Wellbutrin, Lexapro and Wellbutrin, Lexapro and Wellbutrin,Lexapro and Wellbutrin.

I hope you enjoyed my little ditty.

Have a great day!!!!

Last night's antics

2008-01-23T15:25:00.000-05:00

I can tell this is addicting. But it's my sanctuary, so....right now I need to laugh and my husband (my main source of laughter) is at work. So instead of calling him and interrupting him I will relive last night's antics.

So, last night my husband, Sweetie, thought it would be humorous to put a pen in my field of vision. That's right, a pen. He just casually glided it over until it was blocking my right eye. There he held it. I pushed it away. He put it back. Push away...glided back. This went on until the laughter ensued. Yes, I know it seems mental on paper (onscreen, whatever) but this is how my life is. (And I would not change a thing. For he too is my sanctuary.) This is my reality.

Please understand this. If Sweetie attempts something that fails to make me laugh, he will continue the action until I am hysterical. He is pretty persistent. I have a rather loud laugh so I am sure it is pretty amusing to him. Man, I'm lucky.

Now, I have the energy to go back to my children.

Thank you Sweetie

My Place

2008-01-23T10:37:00.000-05:00

This is my place. Sometimes you just need a place. I have a wonderful husband, three beautiful children. Two of them human: a girl and a boy. The other one canine: a boy.

My dog has been my sanctuary. He is ultra special and I could spend a lifetime listing his attributes. What is important is that he loves and is loved. He seems to know when I need him most. Kissing me when my frustration begins to rise. Yes, I get frustrated. I am a mommy.

My human children, although sweet and wonderful, definitely know how to push my buttons. Don't they all? For instance, this morning I was driving them to school and they took turns crying about what song was being played. I would play his request and she would cry. Followed by her request and he would cry. Being an adult and realizing the absurdity I tried to reason with them explaining the ridiculousness of the situation. My belief is that they got it, but still continued the "baby" behavior. Why not? They are, in fact, babies. He is almost five and she is almost three. What can I do except for to love them? I suppose I could intervene and teach them both a lesson by not playing either of their songs but I have learned to pick my battles and let the rest work themselves out.

I am very good at blocking it all out. Rough childhood and all. But I promised myself and my children (in my own head) that I would raise them with love and patience. So far, so good. Don't get me wrong. There are times when I lose it. My composure. I yell. But always always with a warning. "Mommy is very close to yelling" I might say. Or, "please don't make me yell". I always manage to give this warning. Somehow. Sometimes the yelling is the only thing that gets results. Thankfully, it is ususally only one sentence like "WASH YOUR HANDS" that needs to be yelled. It seeems so stupid to me to have to yell. I have already asked nicely ten times and both of them understand that they will wash their hands the first time I ask. They just don't move to do it until I yell. So, why? Yes. Yes. They are testing. Haven't I passed yet?

Boy, when I sat down to start this blog I did not expect all this to come out. But I guess this is why I am doing it. This is for me. I really am indifferent about whether or not someone else reads this. I am sure there are people out there that feel what I am feeling. I hope they feel "connected" by reading this. I guess that means you. But really this is for me. But here I am again, trying to please someone else. Isn't that what we all do? When I say "we" I mean Mommies. Is this really for me? Or is it for YOU too? I really don't mind sharing. It makes me feel less selfish. So let me change what I said before. This is for me, but if it helps you, it is for you too. I hope we all have a wonderful day.

I am going to go kiss my dog. This is my sanctuary but he is too.